futurecatlady.net

Tonight, I was taking a sentimental journey, looking for some old pictures of Parker when I found a journal I wrote for one of my university classes. (I took a lot of psychology/social work/”let’s share our darkest moments in life” classes where writing skills weren’t important as long as you showed major angst and minimal thought.) Some things have changed since I wrote this journal in April 2003 (ie. the whole becoming a mom part) but the general gist of it remains the same: Death sucks and I still miss my dad sometimes.

happy father’s day,
laura

My Defining Moment (more…)

apparently when i said “anything could happen on a snow day”, it translated to “my cold symptoms would develop into cold AND flu symptoms and i will sit in my pajamas and spend an embarassing amount of time on facebook.”

after getting spammed with numerous invites to join facebook, jen and i took the plunge today. we joined groups and networks and looked for people we knew while messaging each other to discuss our findings. few people can appreciate searching for random people from your past but for jen and i, this is the ultimate pastime.

finding people from your past (university, high school and even elementary school) was a stroll down memory lane for me. i was able to see what people have been doing; who is married, where people are working and who has turned into a drunken facebook whore. a lot of times i get down on myself for not accomplishing all that i would have wanted to at this point in my life (i had huge aspirations which i did not fulfill…at all) and facebook is a little depressing for that. you see what other people are doing and know that you are doing…well, nothing that you wanted to be doing. however when facebook has destroyed my self-esteem, i can always head over to plenty of fish for a huge pick-me-up.

regardless, today’s facebook experience made me think a lot about friendship. it’s funny how people could be so extremely close at one point in their lives and have no relationship at all during another point. i am lucky to have some friends who have been around for a long time. some of these friends i don’t get to see very often because of life but when we do, it is like we haven’t missed out on any time together at all. i think i have been friends with jen for the longest since we met in high school. Tons of other people have friends since they were parker’s age but we must not forget that i did not speak in public until i was 15. (i’m serious. i was a total non-talker. i only hung out with my brother and most people thought he was my boyfriend.)

years ago, at the agora poster sale, i bought the “some people” poster which still hangs proudly in my bedroom.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some moves our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding
with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile,
leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never, ever the same.”

-Anonymous

when i bought this poster, i thought i knew what it meant but as always in retrospect, i knew nothing. life happens. people move away, change or you simply lose touch. some friendships you grow out of while some can last forever. i’ve always found that when people leave your life for whatever reason, new people arrive for you to learn from. sometimes i find myself missing people that i have lost touch with but when you think about it…maybe our time together was up and it is just time for us to move along and change other people’s lives. i think about the things i’ve learned and how much i’ve changed because of people i am no longer close to and i’m thankful.

*since it is memory lane time, when i was in high school, i was on the announcement team. i was in charge of reading the “quote of the day” which i carried around in a little red book. this was always my favourite quote. yes i am aware that i was a huge loser. i am embracing it.

i am still sick. i didn’t go to work today and parker went to daycare anyway. when i called in, the big boss man did not even recognize my voice as i sound hot like a transexual. i spent the day, napping and watching movies. i even completed the 100 things about me and perhaps, slightly more productive…a load of laundry.

today, i watched chasing amy and some of kissing jessica stein. i ended up shutting it off when it got to the point of discussing who you call to take care of you when you are sick. i am sick now and i have no one to buy me juice or rub my back. i never do. it’s unfortunate because i am such a suck when i am sick. i am quite independent most of the time but when i am sick, i just wish someone would come over to take care of me. suck, suck, suck.

the sick and congested should refrain from thinking whenever possible. this afternoon, while i was watching chasing amy, i began to relate to ben affleck’s character. maybe i am headed down the same road. it’s no secret that everyone i meet has more wild sexual experiences than i have had. i’ve never had any threesomes or same sex adventures, or really, done anything crazy that would make a good movie. in fact, whenever the subject of sex comes up, i jump to conclusions that someone else just wants sex from me and run like the wind. maybe i am just worried that my lack of experiences and i’m feeling like i will never be at their level/good enough? insert countless other inadequacies here. but maybe the person is past that stage and has moved on and i am exactly what they are looking for? or maybe i was right and they were attacking my values? finally, maybe i am hammered on nyquil and not making any sense?

anyway, it got me thinking that unless i am going to exclusively date virgins (just like you, dave :), i should learn to deal with my hangups. although it is unlikely that i am going to spend the rest of my life chasing css (because although i could do a lot worse, i might be able to do a whole lot better), i wouldn’t want to make that mistake in the future. sometimes i think that i should just have three drinks and sleep with some random to get back on the horse so to speak, and be ready for if i ever meet anyone decent.

in other kevin smith inspired news, “the impression that i get” took me on a trip down memory lane. back in my bar star days, there was this band that covered the song. (yes, i’m purposely vague to avoid the google.) they rocked the inntowner and the lead singer took a bit of a liking to me. he chatted me up between sets both nights instead of the other girls around. take that, bitches. he remembered me the next time they came to town, saying that they had a picture of my friend and i on their fridge. anyway, since i was still a wimp, nothing major happened but i still refer to him as “the missed one night stand of my life” cause christ, he was hot. maybe if i had some good stories, like being a groupie and having a box of “rock cocks” in my basement, i would not be so crazy neurotic right now. live and learn, laura.

see but then you can look at it the other way. my past, although there was definitely no fingercuff action, is something that the church-going/good people crowd frowns upon. i never did anything too crazy in my younger days, just drunkenly made a fool out of myself and rounded second with everyone in town, but sometimes, it comes up and….ouch. that’s all i need to say about that. as much as i’ve changed and am different now, i guess i wouldn’t want people judging me on that either. so maybe i should just be more open, “oh, golden showers, prostitutes, threesomes, videos, and having a whole campground watch..it’s allll fine with me!” or maybe i should just stick with my original guy feeling that “people who do stuff like that are not my kind of people”, no matter how hypocritical it may be? ouch, kevin! you’ve made my brain explode.

finally, if being a lesbian is anything like how it is in chasing amy and kissing jessica stein, sign me up. like that song she sings..wow.

note to self: don’t blog when hammered on the nyquil. kudos to you if you actually followed any of these tangents. go to bed, laura.

in the midst of all the shopping and holiday crap, i am feeling guilty. i know i should be taking parker to church. we were going to church quite regularly last year but we haven’t been in about a year now. i can list a billion reasons why i haven’t went but…excuses, excuses. i do go with my grandma to her church on holidays but that is mainly for her to show off parker and then send us down in the basement when we are too loud and embarassing her. i don’t think that counts.

there are a billion churches here in town. one would think that it wouldn’t be hard to find one but it is. just like my desire to date both men and women to keep options open, religion doesn’t even matter. offically, i am catholic but the catholics and i haven’t been seeing eye to eye on a few things since the whole having a baby without being married incident. last year, i even had mormons in my house. really, i will go anywhere…but i don’t.

church is hard. how do you find a church? i thought about going to redwood because i went to mops there and they are pimped out everywhere but…well, i guess i am still thinking about that. no one i know goes to church at all except my grandmother (ugh, grandma, why do you hate me?) and mike (dryden is too far for sunday mornings) so i can’t really tag along with someone. i used to go the same church as baby’s daddy so that is out for obvious reasons. last year, i went to the catholic church by my house that i went to when i was younger. we went regularly for about six months. unfortunately, one sunday when i was in a particularly rough patch of my postpartum depression, i dragged my miserable butt out of bed to ask god to stop me from totally losing it and ending up in the news. unfortunately, that was the day i saw baby’s daddy’s future wife, singing her heart out in the choir. that was nuts because i knew nothing about that woman and had never met her and then suddenly, we attend the same church. i took that flukey coincidence as some sort of divine sign to kill myself and get the hell out of there because really, i was feeling bad enough about life (re: “them”) and went there for “help” and yeah… obviously, i never went back.

churches should have websites with maps to know what row you can sit in and where the bathroom is, and lists on what to expect when you show up (including everyone who attends) so i know what i am in for and where not to go. it’s scary to go new places and have no idea who you might see there or what they might say to you. i don’t want to piss anyone off by sitting in the wrong seat or have anyone ask me questions like, “where is your husband? is he parking the car?” (don’t laugh, that has happened.) i want to go somewhere where they have some sort of luxury box where i can see/hear without disturbing the world with my very vocal two year old. i am not ditching him in some nursery so i can sit by myself. we have enough childcare issues as it is and he is the reason why we are going. i get enough god action from my grandmother’s constant judging and disapproval and twice in a lifetime. (joan of arcadia, i love you and miss you.)

i really enjoyed going to church with my parents when i was younger..you know, prior to my mom being crazy 24/7 and my dad getting drunk and beating on us. i remember going to sunday school and having juice. afterwards we would walk down the street to robin’s for donuts. i went to catholic school and remember the masses and pancake breakfasts and begging to sing, “children of the light” just one more time. i would love for parker to have that and not be unknowledgeable about anything god related since his mother is lazy/wimpy/etc. it would probably be good for both of us too as i could stand to meet some new friends and stuff.

…maybe next sunday.