futurecatlady.net

In the words of the great Elton John:

Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don’t you tune in and turn them on?

…and so I did.

Dear Internet,

Yes, I am alive and I know that I haven’t blogged (publicly) in forever. I have private posts that i will make public one of these days.* In life, I go through spurts of either wanting to share everything with the world or keeping everything private. There is no middle ground.

So Internet, I know you are dying to know what I have been up to since June 2007. (Yikes, I should have waited another month to make it a whole year but today is a beautiful, sunny, spring afternoon which is apparently the perfect time to sit indoors and update your website.)

My parkerpoo is a whopping 4.4 years old now. After much debate and rumination, I sent my typical December boy to JK last fall which has been interesting. The first week, I was hysterical when I dropped him off and I had to be consoled by Parker’s teacher. Outside of school, he is incredibly active with all kinds of sports. Starting next week, he will be playing soccer, t-ball, basketball, and swimming lessons. He just finished indoor soccer and skating lessons. A while back, when I asked him what sports he would like to play, he said, “I want to play everything!!” Obviously, he does not get his energy and interest in athletics from his mother who bought a laptop because sitting at a computer desk was far too strenuous. I don’t think this blogging hiatus would have even taken place if I owned Dragon’s Naturally Speaking.

I am still with my charming boyfriend, Kevin. In fact, I am following in the footsteps of all those relatives before me who have shacked up before marriage. Living together is challenging. You move in with these romantic notions of greater love and intimacy and then you end up fighting over who left the lights on or who made the bad smells in the bathroom and didn’t spray. Coupled with the presence of two children and two sets of exes, there is a domestic weekly at the 379. Luckily, we haven’t killed each other yet and we are still here together excluding our separate vacations. The dork in me thinks that despite all the hard times, one day, we will be a living example of the Shania Twain song, “You’re Still the One”, complete with crashing waves and soft-core nudity.

Aside from the Parker and the Kevin, I am still employed in jobs that I don’t particularly enjoy anymore. I have tried to find other employment but failed miserably and that’s a whole different blog entry. Currently, I have baby fever and hope that an immaculate conception will take place and I can stay home, going to playgroups and making my own baby food. I am not getting younger, Internet. I sit here and can feel my eggs dying. I drown my career disappointments and lack of a baby in copious amounts of facebook and xbox 360. Look in the sidebar; i have a gamerscore some fifteen year olds would be proud of..

Well Internet, it’s been nice catching up. I have some dryer lint to put in the composter before taking my special needs companion of the day to Subway for a late lunch. Besides, “Hold On” by Jamie Walters just came on Galaxie 90s and I have some rocking out to do. Clearly, the more things change, the more they stay the same here in Lauraland.

See ya in 2009,
Laura

*Note the use of “one of these days.” Heartbreaker, dreammaker, lovetaker, I am not. No more false promises from this girl.

Bruce Willis
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

My baby’s daddy, baby’s daddy’s wife and baby’s daddy’s entire extended family and I all get along these days. Life is good. However I cannot stop thinking that I have been playing Bruce Willis. Not Bruce Willis in awesome movies such as Armageddon and Look Who’s Talking, but a real life Bruce Willis. I hang out with Demi Moore (baby’s daddy) and Ashton Kutcher (baby’s daddy’s wifey) on a regular basis…at t-ball games, parent’s nights and other daycare festivities. What is supposed to be strangely awkward isn’t really awkward at all…..well, I can think of things more awkward anyway.

However, it may have been awkward earlier today when the gang (me, parker, kevin, hannah, baby’s daddy and baby’s daddy’s wife) was at the daycare year end family picnic. one of my flickr friends mentioned my bruce willis self portrait and i was left to explain myself.

I thought it was funny. Then again, I am not a guy called “Demi.”

"I saw this and thought of you."
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

“I saw this and thought of you. Just replace mother with grandmother and you’re all set. The socks even match! :D”

that is the email i received from my wonderful boyfriend today.

i like to think he is using the obvious “hey! your grandma tries to marry you off to random strangers and you have those socks” intended meaning rather than the more subtle “our relationship is crap and going nowhere” angle. because really…i am awesome. we all know it.

ten days.

in ten days, on the 27th, i will be turning..you guessed it..27. if anyone wants to get in on the blue dolphin aka the best birthday gift ever, contact jules or dave. luckily, i am blessed to have friends that have started a fund to make this birthday a “good” one. lord knows everyone needs some birthday action.

with 27 comes another year and more reflection. 26 was a good year. i went through a lot of stuff (again) and am stronger for it. work was awesome this year and i found a job i love. good friendships became greater friendships and i met some new awesome people. my little man continues to grow and amaze me every single day. i took some great trips (dryden, winnipeg, kenora and america) and had some cool adventures.

..so i am happy with my little guy and my work and my friends. but once again, we must jump to the one thing missing.

since it took me forever to regroup after the cherry popsicle saga, i only started to date again almost exactly a year ago. in one year, i have had more dating disasters than anyone can imagine. i’ve learned alot about myself through these unfortunate incidents. although, i have some huge regrets (i.e. WTF, WERE YOU THINKING LAST SUMMER!?!?”) for the most part, the return to the world of dating has been quite the learning experience.

learning is all fine and dandy, but i’m getting older. i don’t want to die alone with a bunch of cats. keeping that in mind, i am very cautious and will do anything to avoid getting hurt again. falling for someone scares the shit out of me because from what i’ve learned about relationships, committment leaves you pregnant and homeless, crying on your kitchen floor. it’s unfortunate that i am so guarded but if it’s anything i’ve learned and keep on learning..when you let that guard down, that’s when the guy comes in for some good old heart stomping.

looking back, i can see that even though i was dating* retards, some of the failures were partly my fault for being so distant. avoiding people because i think i might like them too much might not have been the best choice. being a little fickle and not totally honest about my feelings wasn’t awesome of me either. telling people i was only hanging out with them because “i had nothing else going on” or “they had a truck” and acting indifferent were probably not good communication strategies either. this is not to take away from the fact that i did date some idiots this year. let’s be honest…but maybe, just maybe, some of it was me and my insecurities and communication skills. i am, after all, the girl who conveniently “forgets” to introduce people she may be dating to people she sees out in public with them because…well, they might ask questions. it is better to not say anything at all and maybe they won’t think you’re together. :P

i guess to find what you’re looking for, you have to risk getting hurt again. perhaps being a year older and wiser will allow a 27 year old laura to put herself out there some more and maybe find someone who thinks i am awesome with no excuses.

if not, i’ll just enjoy the blue dolphin with season two of the l-word and get another fucking cat.

* i use the term “dating” very loosely. i like the dictionary definition of “an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.” because really, were we dating..or just getting to know each other? were we hanging out or “cool”? seeing each other? “friends”? i don’t ever have a fucking clue. this might explain alot itself.

point form because i am lazy:

~ happy half-birthday, parkerpoo. today, you’re exactly two and a half!

~ i went out friday with the girls from work. we were celebrating a birthday and even had penis straws. stella, my drunken alter-ego and her breasts made an appearance. hilarity ensued. i might be slightly embarassed to go to work tomorrow but what the hell, i live for awkward moments.

~ also, on friday, i relearned the lesson, “do not meet guys in bars.” i still got it apparently. that was nice to know. it was more coworkers talking to them than me but i still got to hear the worst lines ever. “have you ever looked at someone and seen them ten years from now still sitting beside you…?” and “how old is your range..” in regards to my asking the “how old are you?” small talk question. the kicker was when they wanted to go for a hot tub. i politely declined as “i’m not that kind of girl” and wow, someone was a little pissy. i did talk to someone who was cool and gave an inspiring talk on how i should never be anyone’s errand girl at work. i am qualified and a popsicle bitch, no longer. watch out, world.

~small talk is an art that i need to learn. my small talk involves talking about my cat, my kid, nightswimming and my..domain. hellos to everyone i told about my website on friday.

~ it is still too cold for wild goose and it is closed from 11pm-7am as the opp informed us. “omg, they ARE here to arrest us.” (that one is for you, jules.) we even scored a fire from the most open homosexual i have ever seen, Queenie.

~ i am the big red retard again this year. i remembered to put sunblock on my kiddo but forgot to put it on myself. ouch.

~ yardsailing was awesome this week. sarah and i scored furniture and ate hot dogs prior to 9am. the best find of the day was the picture of pope john paul II that i bought for vikki. we were out hunting the earliest we’ve ever been which was awesome because i was “sober drunk” the night before and we had about three hours sleep. i also lindsay lohaned again. hot.

~ you all need to download sarah harmer’s pendulums and the entire new dixie chicks cd. i love “not ready to make nice.” i especially love “they say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting..” because MY NOSE STILL FREAKING HURTS.

~ dryden. friday. woooooooo.

~ msn is still crappy….obviously, because i am a blogging machine.

“i look nice sometimes”
Originally uploaded by goodbyepisces.

this weekend was super busy. friday, i went out on a kiddo date with mr lavalife II, the kayaker. we exchanged recent dating disasters at the park and then rocked mcdonalds. parker and his kiddo played which was good because he needs to play with other kids more often. i returned home to white trash drama, called the police and peeked out the windows for two hours. (i am turning into my grandmother. just call me madge.)

saturday, sarah, parker and i rocked yard sales. it was a crappy yard sale day with billy cyrus: some gave all on tape being the highlight. i also had the neat experience of meeting baby’s daddy’s future in laws and introducing them to my friend, sarah. apparently, i will not rest until the entire world thinks i am a lesbian. i spent the rest of the day with the parkerpoo. after he went to sleep, sarah and i went to c/s/s camp where we ended up having the most awkward nightswimming experience ever. not even free food could make up for it. ouch. the actual swimming was liberating but cold enough for my nipples to cut ice. there is just something about being out on the lake at night, looking up at the stars, eating bonfired hot dogs and playing “i went to australia and i brought a toothbrush, toothpaste, a stereo, jax, sydney, some beer, and the musical stylings of cyndi lauper…”

sunday was a nice lazy day spent with the kiddo before we went for our almost weekly sunday dinner with christie’s family. i return home and sit here, prepping for work tomorrow. weekends are too short.

so not a good idea, aaron neville.

with each failed dating disaster, i have a greater idea of what i am looking for. this is it.

1. someone who has a job and does not live at home with their parents.
2. someone preferably bigger than me but not the 1000lb. man with breasts bigger than mine.
3. someone who appreciates my quirks because i have a ton of them.
4. playful banter. i cannot live without the playful banter.
5. i’d prefer the person to be smarter than me because well, i work with special needs people and do not wish to date them too. i am also a little obnoxious about my own intelligence. lol.
6. the person has to have some sort of interest that they are passionate about sports, d&d, or even blowing shit up. it really doesn’t matter what, just LOVE something.

i do not want to meet anyone’s family or child or friends or whatever. that freaks me out. as for the parkerpoo, i think it is important that someone meet him in a public, comfortable setting so i know you are not a total asshole when it comes to children. don’t even think of touching me in front of him.

i am really busy so wednesday nights and alternate weekends when i am not working or hanging out with my friends would be best. no man is going to interfere with pasta tuesdays, yardsailing or sunday dinners. i don’t want to be with someone who wants to see me everyday but i still want to feel secure enough to know that they aren’t fucking the world in my absense. you’re not ever coming over because like stella on csi: ny; i am cautious and always need a safe place to come home to. finally, we must not forget my insecurities.

this person will not likely be found on the internet because i have quit internet dating. it is just once incestuous little circle where everyone has either slept with someone i know, or knows me/the ex/enemies from somewhere else or is a huge loser. (heck, sometimes they are all three.) recently, i deleted my plenty of fish account when the first guy i ever met off the internet 8 years ago responded to my profile. ouch. the more things change…the more they..don’t. at all. when you delete you account, you can choose why you are deleting it, i proudly checked the “i give up” box.

finally, we may never even know if we are dating or not as i will sooner eat olives with a v8 chaser then initiate the define the relationship discussion. whenever i have initated the dtr, it has had less than awesome results. the last time i asked someone if they were into me, i was told they were sleeping with their ex. the time before also brought less than stellar results with crazy/stalker antics following immediately. i will sooner not know if i am dating someone.

needless to say, i’ve had an interesting few days. i decided to blame it on the concussion. i am still debating whether to tell you or not internet. live and learn.