futurecatlady.net

In the words of the great Elton John:

Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don’t you tune in and turn them on?

…and so I did.

Tonight, I was taking a sentimental journey, looking for some old pictures of Parker when I found a journal I wrote for one of my university classes. (I took a lot of psychology/social work/”let’s share our darkest moments in life” classes where writing skills weren’t important as long as you showed major angst and minimal thought.) Some things have changed since I wrote this journal in April 2003 (ie. the whole becoming a mom part) but the general gist of it remains the same: Death sucks and I still miss my dad sometimes.

happy father’s day,
laura

My Defining Moment (more…)

I am the greatest granddaughter alive.

Well…sometimes.

Despite the fact, I often complain about the greatest woman ever and quote her for the internet’s enjoyment, I do try to be a good granddaughter. Seeing as we are each other’s only family in town, sometimes I agree to go places which I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DESPISE.

Today, I spent a portion of my afternoon at the hospital for a memorial service for people who have died in hospital in the last year. I have major death issues. I think everyone knows that. I do not go to funerals unless forced (which usually ends up being every 1.5 years when someone in my family dies.)

My uncle’s death last summer was awful yet necessary. He was suffering and it was extremely sad yet somewhat of a blessing. I figured I would be okay at this memorial service. I would say a prayer, sing a song, and eat some cake. End of Story.

Ha.

It turns out that most of the other people were not so okay with the loss of their loved ones. People were crying. There was one young fellow sitting besides us who was quite emotional through the whole service. He was attempting the tough, “I’m not going to cry” act and failing miserably by rocking back and forth, biting his lip and not quite holding back the tears. He seemed to be alone with another younger fellow and I was this close to offering hugs or some kind of socially awkward condolences.

The young grieving fellow was one of many criers in the room. There were older people in wheelchairs, crying. Entire families were all joining hands and crying.

I tried to be rational and repeated to myself: “Laura, do not cry because other people are crying.”

Finally, I gave up and took out the kleenex. If you can’t beat them, join them.

As for the young fellow, the rest of his entire family was seated elsewhere. I saw them in the lobby where they were all crying which got me started again. Since I need to be tough for my grandma (HA.), i tried to hide my emotions and instead ate too many pieces of nanaimo bar.

Now I am at home, grieving the loss of an uncle I had stopped “grieving” for this morning, sad for the total strangers who lost people they loved and on the verge of puking because of too many rich, chocolate pastries.

You better be happy, Grandma. :)

I feel totally alone lately. I absolutely hate my career situation. I’ve had some stressful family situations. I am being challenged by the baby daddy and my “we would have broken up a long time ago but it’s complicated because we are living together” partner. Plus, June brings the usual birthday crisis. This year it’s somewhere along the lines of, “Holy shit. I am 29 next month and this is my life. Fuckity fuck fuck. FUCK.” My way of dealing with these problems is to not do anything but play Tetris. Trying to get three tetrises in three drops is time well spent when you should be looking for a house, job, lawyer etc.

Today, I read two stories about kids in Thunder Bay with cancer (one is 7 and one is 16). Both of these brave souls are apparently keeping positive despite their odds for survival being very low. Someone else I know was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy. She had two little kids. I would absolutely lose it if my son had cancer. Heck, I read stories about a total stranger’s son having cancer and I lose it.

I may cry myself to sleep each night, clutching a pink stuffed cat wearing a wedding dress but, it could be much worse.

Having a blog is stupid. There are much more productive things to do with your time. If I am the stupid blogger, you guys are really dumb for reading it. Of course, there are so few of you that you wouldn’t even notice that posts are missing, I stopped writing or even died because blogging is utterly meaningless and we are all wasting our time.

Since a lot of my readers are also bloggers, I’m wondering how many of you would be upset if someone got into your wordpress-admin and deleted your posts simply out of sabotage. For me, it sometimes takes an hour to write even the “stupidest” entry. To be told, “rewrite it” hurts. I’ve resisted the urge to delete a flickr photostream or the 360 hard drive because “an eye for an eye” is not bringing my entries back.

Bitterly, I am moving on. Entries and comments are gone forever. I’ve taken precautions so this will not happen again. I won’t quit blogging because quitting means someone else is going to win.

Blog on (at least until your posts are deleted)
laura

PS. I am mentioned HERE twice. Librarian Babe also commented on my blog, take a look…..oh wait. YOU CAN’T.

yup, still bitter.

You’ll be the mule, i’ll be the plow
Come harvest time, we’ll work it out
There’s still a lot of love here in these troubled fields…

too many emotions for one day.

too much stuff today.

sadness.

disappointment.

worry.

frustration.

…and a smidgen of hope.

Last night when i was at a training session for work (again), I sat with two ladies my age. One was engaged, getting married this summer and the other is a happy newlywed, just married last fall. The two chatted about weddings and shags and showers and buying houses. They shared their hopes and dreams for the future…taking vacations, having children etc. I, obviously, had nothing to add to this conversation.

While many girls when they are young fantasize about their weddings, even a ten year old laura knew that any wedding of mine would not be like the ones seen on tv. We never had much money. My family has always been….interesting. Since one can’t very well get married and not invite any of her family members, I decided going away would be best. I have always been a proud, easily embarassed yet realistic person so i would sooner hide my dysfunction than embrace it and have a jerry springer like wedding. There would never be uncle stu antics, brawls or inappropriate speeches at any wedding of mine. I would go to a beach..or vegas and see celine dion. I had big plans even if the closest thing I have ever got to wedding planning was a midnight game of girl talk when i was 12.

As you grow up and time ticks away, you realize that maybe getting married isn’t in the cards for you. Your father dies and you realize you will be giving yourself away. More people die and other family relationships fall apart and suddenly, you are estranged from everyone except your grandmother who serves swanson turkey dinners to you on Thanksgiving. You have failed relationships and failed things that aren’t even relationships. You realize that most people who you know that are married are also miserable and you are ashamed to feel a little happy about that. You try to tell yourself that you are just fine being alone and cats are better than men anyway. You have a child and realize that even if you found someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, it would be better to save the money for parker’s education. You tell yourself that it’s funny that you are the blessed broken road that leads others to the something that you don’t really want anyway.

Finally, you realize that you are just lying to yourself and that hurts more than anything, but life still has to go on. You are headed off to Parent’s Night by yourself again. Yes, my son has a different last name than me. Yup, his father is married. Yeah, I am okay with that. Nope, I have no idea why he doesn’t come to these things. Parker and I do live alone. Nah, it’s not that hard. No thanks, I’m already dating someone. Nope, there are no plans for anything like that. Sure, I will keep that in mind if things don’t work out.

This is my life, internet. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I just want to pick up someone’s dirty socks and have all the pampered chef products I could ever need. I wish I had someone to shovel my snow. I wish there was someone around who gets excited about carnivals and field trips to city hall because they care as much about the parkerpoo as i do.

I wish I could be the irritating people disrupting my medication training. I wish I wasn’t so jealous of what i didn’t have.

Years ago, I was one of your biggest fans. I had all of your cds and dvds. I even had some dolls. (Alright, i had* three dolls. One from “oops i did it again”, one from “crazy” and one from “baby one more time.” ) I saw you in concert in Toronto. I still have the tshirt. I even ordered a lifesize cardboard cutout of a pepsi promoting you off of ebay. As a bonus, I received a Christmas display of you dressed as an elf which i proudly put up instead of a Christmas tree. We don’t talk about how much I paid for that. I still own “Crossroads” on dvd and if anyone asked, I could probably remember all the correct lyrics for both “From the bottom of my broken heart..” and “Born to make you happy.” I could have said one of your bigger hits, but who doesn’t know all of the words to those ones?

However, in recent years, you have chosen a different life path than me. Let’s face it, we all have the baby’s daddy that we might regret and who hasn’t left the house without their underwear? Anyone who ever saw my pink hair would admit that i would have been better off shaving my head. But you, britney, it makes me sad what has happened to you. In the class at school, some girls still love you as you were back in 1999. I try to hide what you have been up to more recently from her as she will only be young once and it would probably hurt her dear special needs heart should she know about your recent adventures.

It must be very hard for you to live your entire life in the spotlight. I wouldn’t even begin to understand that as no one cares what I do. Although, I’ve never had a problem which made me go to rehab, I’ve faced my own demons. I’ve also had the court and all of that fun stuff which comes with failed relationships. It is hard but you can do it. I just read that you left rehab again. Maybe it wasn’t the right place or the right time for you…i know from my saving the world days that some people go to rehab thirty times before it finally works.

It makes me sad about what is happening to you and I worry about you. It’s like I want to just give you a big hug and start my own intervention. I am still getting over Anna Nicole’s death so I have no idea how sensitive me would react if something terrible happened to you. I am sure your other fans will say the same. You will know when it is time to get help or make a change. I just hope it is in time.

In the meantime, if you are ever stuck, feel free to come up to Thunder Bay. No one will ever find you here.

Love,
Laura

* OKAY. I STILL HAVE THE DOLLS. SHUT UP.

dear internet,

just so you know, i am unhappy.

i am aware that this is up to me to change but unfortunately, the changes that need to be made require money and in order to get said money, i am forced to work jobs i hate. you know you are unsatisfied/unhappy/bored/jaded/etc when you see that your local neighbourhood convenience sore is hiring and you actually consider applying. I think to myself, “i worked at 7eleven in university. it wasn’t that bad……” it’s too bad that i would have to work double in order to make the same money i am making now, or else i would seriously consider it.

after today’s adventures at second place on my hate list, i am going to work at my new, other job which is simply okay. while i don’t particularly enjoy swimming at the coldest pool of life and then going out in -30 weather, i do like money. chlorine always makes me hungry anyway and i will use that as an excuse when i cannot resist the temptations of mcdonalds. twelve hours from now, i will pick up my parker/come home/be warm and snuggle with fat cat and skinny bitch and read white oleander, thanking god for tuesdays.

in other news, tomorrow is tuesday. i love tuesdays as i do not work on tuesdays. ever. i am contemplating a mini-adventure prior to the birthday festivities with my grandma, dear madge. wednesday is valentine’s day. this year, i will get my freaking heart shaped pizza from boston pizza if i have to kill for it and then i will have a special evening out with my ultimate valentine, parker. he bought dora valentines for his friends at school. i tried to convince him to pick out something a little more manly but…of course not. in the past, i have had tons to say about valentine’s day. this year is no exception as i have a special treat planned for the internet; a three part special involving the ghosts of valentine’s day, past, present and future. watch for it. i know all five of you love my humourous anecdotes that make you feel better about your own life.

happy monday internet, cross your fingers teenage boys don’t make me cry today.

love,
laura

sulking time is officially over.

…now i will just complain and..not talk about it.

i’m currently burning the midnight oil while nearly everyone whom i roll with is at scuttlebutts celebrating the almost birthday of dear jules. i had the pleasure of attending the pre-bar party/pol convention. some could say it was a loser gathering with nearly every one of the attendees having an ad posted on there at one time or another. now i am at work in my pajamas, stuffed up/sore throat/runny nose/eyes (yuck) and extremely menstrual, wishing for a nice cozy bed to sleep in and snuggle with skits/syd.

things have improved slightly since the other day. i am adjusting although still not talking about it. i am focusing on the positive..two awesome november trips!! if anyone in the greater minneapolis area or nearly any place between thunder bay and bc wants to buy me lunch or offer sage travelling and general touristy advice, you have two months to the day to do it.

…very slowly counting down to november 9.

wait..actually you have until november 1. after i will be difficult to find, unless of course i am squatting in your basement. lucky you.

..yup, still not talking about it.