futurecatlady.net

Me: So, our kingsized bed will be delivered today.
Grandma: That’s good. Is Kevin happy?
Me: Sure. I guess this means we can sleep in the same bed finally.
Grandma: silent *gives me a look*
Me: I’ve been sleeping in Hannah’s room for like the last year.
Grandma: Oh. Well if you are sleeping together, you better get some more *pats her ass*

I know what she is talking about. Other people may just be wondering why an 80 year old woman is slapping her ass in the local Chinese restaurant.

another school picture, another mullet.
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

Parker had his first day of senior kindergarten on Tuesday.* The knockout pictured above is me circa SK (ummm…1984).

When I found out who was teaching Parker this year, I immediately recognized the name and wondered if it was the same teacher who taught me twice in elementary school. When I met her, I thought, “No way. She looks too young to have been teaching 25 years ago.” She asked me if she knew me from somewhere and I brushed her off, saying that she probably saw me last year when I walked by her classroom every day. (Yes, I am pretty smooth.)

Today, when we discussing my son’s exceptionalities, she said she figured out who I reminded her of……

a student named Laura _______ she taught years ago.

Of course I was as charming** as ever when I explained how I didn’t think she was that old because heck, I am old. I have blocked out most of my childhood memories but I do remember liking her and that she was my teacher the year that I puked on the school bus. My mother didn’t believe that I was sick and sent me to school anyway. I threw up all over my Popples backpack. I also remember she showed the class a $100 bill one day and everyone thought she was rich.

She went on to say that I have a beautiful son (which I do) and that she remembers me being very shy in elementary school. When she says “shy”, what she really means is that I didn’t speak until the 10th grade and I cried all the time. I guess some things never change.

She also said that I look the same in the face. If so, Internet, please pray for me.

* I cried on Parker’s first day of school again. What age will Parker have to be for me to quit crying? 30? We bumped into Parker’s JK teacher and she said how tall Parker was, how he’s growing up and that she is proud of him. Of course that got me blubbering and she told me not to cry just like last year. He is my baby (even though he will be 5 in a few months) and I am just so proud and that makes me emotional. At least I didn’t leave the school in tears and the teacher didn’t have to console me because that’s embarrassing; I know that from last year. Things are looking up.

** I am really trying hard not to use the r-word anymore. I am failing miserably. I also laughed really hard at Tropic Thunder. I am going straight to hell.

Yesterday, Parker and I visited my grandmother. We brought her some persians because we are nice people.

grandma: wow. you really have gained weight.
me: …thanks. really, why would you say that?
grandma: well you have.
me: that’s not nice. you think i don’t know? just don’t say anything.
grandma: fine. oh laura, you are soooooooooooo skinny.
me: what is wrong with you? i don’t say, “oh margaret, look at those wrinkles.” why would you say anything?
grandma: because i am hoping you’ll eat less…and stop buying persians.

Ten minutes later,
grandma: you didn’t eat all of your persian. do you want some pie?

Welcome to my life. Just roll with it.

As a parent, I am trying to expose Parker to as many different types of books as possible. We read books he picks out which are usually Spider-man, Pokemon, or Batman. We read books where we learn a valuable life lesson (ie. The Berenstein Bears Get the Gimmies). We read non-fiction books on outer space, weather, and animals. We read classics and poetry. I hope to continue as he grows older since I have been brainwashed by Mem Fox to read to him until he is thirty.

I do not want him to turn out like me. As a youth, I read a lot of books. Unfortunately, they were either from The Babysitter’s Club, Sweet Valley High or (god help me) Fear Street. The only books I recall reading that were not part of either series are “Dear Mr. Henshaw” and “Bridge to Terabithia.” As an adult, I have opened my horizons to a) books that are funny b) books that are movies c) books people (oprah winfrey and assorted bloggers) tell me to read or d) self-help books. I don’t know if it is a personal preference or because I wasn’t exposed to it in my younger days but I find myself extremely uninterested in anything that doesn’t depict life as I know it. Science fiction, fantasy or books about any other cultures are excruciating painful for me to read. It could be because I am easily distracted but maybe not since I can still name the original members of The Babysitter’s Club (Kristy, Stacey, Claudia, Mary-Anne).

Yesterday at school, I was reading aloud from Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Because I started reading near the conclusion of the book, I had no idea what was going on. I was actually amazed that there was a talking lion. Somehow, I have got through 28.9 years without knowing a thing about the novels (or movies.)

As a coincidence, this evening, I took one of my paying companions to see Prince Caspian. I figured it would be like all the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings movies I attempted to sit through and failed miserably. I was right.

Laura’s Prince Caspian synopsis:

-cute kids on a train
-damn, this sour apple slushie tastes crappy
-hahaha talking animals
-I need to buy cat food.
-I like how Lucy ties her hair back.
-must have popcorn
-oh, little people! I must remember to pvr Joe and Kate plus Eight.
-I have to pee
-Wow, it’s like a “drag queen mermaid only no fin but a horseparts!” Neat.
-I wonder if it’s raining
-YAY! LION! It’s about time..oh! He made the trees move.
- Is this over yet?…..and now I’m crying. Why the hell am I crying? It must be because other people are crying.
THE END.

Even though I watched the entire 144 minutes of Prince Caspian, I cannot tell you what happened. However, I can tell you all about how Regina was deaf and dated Bruce but then they broke up and she started with a bad crowd and DIED after her first ever experiment with cocaine.

Screw Narnia. I’ll stick to Sweet Valley.

I am the greatest granddaughter alive.

Well…sometimes.

Despite the fact, I often complain about the greatest woman ever and quote her for the internet’s enjoyment, I do try to be a good granddaughter. Seeing as we are each other’s only family in town, sometimes I agree to go places which I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DESPISE.

Today, I spent a portion of my afternoon at the hospital for a memorial service for people who have died in hospital in the last year. I have major death issues. I think everyone knows that. I do not go to funerals unless forced (which usually ends up being every 1.5 years when someone in my family dies.)

My uncle’s death last summer was awful yet necessary. He was suffering and it was extremely sad yet somewhat of a blessing. I figured I would be okay at this memorial service. I would say a prayer, sing a song, and eat some cake. End of Story.

Ha.

It turns out that most of the other people were not so okay with the loss of their loved ones. People were crying. There was one young fellow sitting besides us who was quite emotional through the whole service. He was attempting the tough, “I’m not going to cry” act and failing miserably by rocking back and forth, biting his lip and not quite holding back the tears. He seemed to be alone with another younger fellow and I was this close to offering hugs or some kind of socially awkward condolences.

The young grieving fellow was one of many criers in the room. There were older people in wheelchairs, crying. Entire families were all joining hands and crying.

I tried to be rational and repeated to myself: “Laura, do not cry because other people are crying.”

Finally, I gave up and took out the kleenex. If you can’t beat them, join them.

As for the young fellow, the rest of his entire family was seated elsewhere. I saw them in the lobby where they were all crying which got me started again. Since I need to be tough for my grandma (HA.), i tried to hide my emotions and instead ate too many pieces of nanaimo bar.

Now I am at home, grieving the loss of an uncle I had stopped “grieving” for this morning, sad for the total strangers who lost people they loved and on the verge of puking because of too many rich, chocolate pastries.

You better be happy, Grandma. :)

actual conversation:

parker: when can i drive a car?
me: when you’re 16.
parker: are you 16?
me: ……..no.
parker: how old are you?
me: 28.
parker: OH WOW. *in his very surprised and excited voice*

Today, I passed a sign which read, “Jesus built us a bridge with two boards and three nails.” I am embarrassed to admit that this quote confused me. How do you build a bridge with just two boards and three nails? I drafted up possible bridge blueprints in my head, wondering what Jesus would have done with a bridge anyway?

About an hour later, it came to me. They didn’t mean actually building a bridge and I may be a complete idiot. Regardless, whoever said those signs do not make people think is so terribly wrong.

Dear Internet,

Yes, I am alive and I know that I haven’t blogged (publicly) in forever. I have private posts that i will make public one of these days.* In life, I go through spurts of either wanting to share everything with the world or keeping everything private. There is no middle ground.

So Internet, I know you are dying to know what I have been up to since June 2007. (Yikes, I should have waited another month to make it a whole year but today is a beautiful, sunny, spring afternoon which is apparently the perfect time to sit indoors and update your website.)

My parkerpoo is a whopping 4.4 years old now. After much debate and rumination, I sent my typical December boy to JK last fall which has been interesting. The first week, I was hysterical when I dropped him off and I had to be consoled by Parker’s teacher. Outside of school, he is incredibly active with all kinds of sports. Starting next week, he will be playing soccer, t-ball, basketball, and swimming lessons. He just finished indoor soccer and skating lessons. A while back, when I asked him what sports he would like to play, he said, “I want to play everything!!” Obviously, he does not get his energy and interest in athletics from his mother who bought a laptop because sitting at a computer desk was far too strenuous. I don’t think this blogging hiatus would have even taken place if I owned Dragon’s Naturally Speaking.

I am still with my charming boyfriend, Kevin. In fact, I am following in the footsteps of all those relatives before me who have shacked up before marriage. Living together is challenging. You move in with these romantic notions of greater love and intimacy and then you end up fighting over who left the lights on or who made the bad smells in the bathroom and didn’t spray. Coupled with the presence of two children and two sets of exes, there is a domestic weekly at the 379. Luckily, we haven’t killed each other yet and we are still here together excluding our separate vacations. The dork in me thinks that despite all the hard times, one day, we will be a living example of the Shania Twain song, “You’re Still the One”, complete with crashing waves and soft-core nudity.

Aside from the Parker and the Kevin, I am still employed in jobs that I don’t particularly enjoy anymore. I have tried to find other employment but failed miserably and that’s a whole different blog entry. Currently, I have baby fever and hope that an immaculate conception will take place and I can stay home, going to playgroups and making my own baby food. I am not getting younger, Internet. I sit here and can feel my eggs dying. I drown my career disappointments and lack of a baby in copious amounts of facebook and xbox 360. Look in the sidebar; i have a gamerscore some fifteen year olds would be proud of..

Well Internet, it’s been nice catching up. I have some dryer lint to put in the composter before taking my special needs companion of the day to Subway for a late lunch. Besides, “Hold On” by Jamie Walters just came on Galaxie 90s and I have some rocking out to do. Clearly, the more things change, the more they stay the same here in Lauraland.

See ya in 2009,
Laura

*Note the use of “one of these days.” Heartbreaker, dreammaker, lovetaker, I am not. No more false promises from this girl.

the judds
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

does anyone read this anymore? i don’t blame anyone who stopped coming. my less than sporadic updates and uninteresting content would turn me away as well. i will try harder. in the meantime, comment and say that you were here, k?

tidbits of life:

1. i am an aunt. longtime fans will remember that last spring i went to my stepbrother’s wedding in winnipeg. well, a year later, they have a baby. he was born last month and his name is colby ethan. (i am still trying to grow the balls to ask if they are closet survivor fans.) i got the birth announcement in the mail the other day and in addition to reminding me that maybe i should finally mail his gift card, i thought about parker when he was little as the new baby was wearing one of parker’s old outfits. my little man is a big t-ball playing, booyah saying, asking questions about his penis, three and a half year old. people say that the time has flown by. while i am not so sure about that, it’s neat to look back. as for colby, he comes to visit next month and that’s exciting. new babies are great especially when they aren’t yours. if they smell like poop or cry, they get to go back to their mother.

back to parker, sometimes it’s neat being a single mother. while parker sees his father on a regular basis, i am still left with some challenges. I am currently being challenged by questions about his penis. I am one of those moms who have always referred to body parts by their real names. no weewees or dingdongs in this house. however, it is funny when you hear a three year old speak about his penis. lately, i am trying to teach him how to pee standing up. we have talked about how i sit down because i don’t have a penis. i have tried to teach him how to hold it and aim. it is not going well and that is probably because i have no clue what i am doing. i heard that taking him camping will be a good time to get him to go when i tell him how big boys pee in the bush. however, today i was challenged by another penis qustion. when he woke up today, he asked, “why is my penis up?”

…..and i said, “what do you want for breakfast?”

i have no clue how to explain morning wood to a three year old. i am not sure even google can help me on this one.

2. the weather is getting warmer. friday, i had my first underwear swim of the year. saturday, i went in an outside pool. sunday, i returned to the lake where i complained of the cold and walked up to my upper thighs. (i was not brave enough to get the woman parts and the girls wet.) generally, my attire for swimming is “wearing all my clothing or almost nothing. it is actually rare that i wear a swimsuit. i am one classy broad.

with the warmer weather, i am covered in bug bites. i am confused whether i am getting bit when i am outside and there is a 14 hour window period before they become itchy or the more likely alternative, something is coming in through my windows and biting me in my sleep. regardless, afterbite is my friend. the initial pain is nothing compared to the relief it brings.

3. finally, last night i went to the northwood park church of christ’s coffee house evening. while i missed the majority of the entertainment because of the parkerpoo, i had a good time with supercool people….and there was cake. next time i will be singing. watch out for my rendition of the judds’ classic, “love can build a bridge.” people will weep when i close my eyes and hit the powerful “we can do anything..anything…keep believing in the power….” christians love the judds.* seriously though, these people are so friendly. i even got three (3!) messages this morning saying it was nice to see me!

* sadly, i am not sure whether christians like the judds. however, I like the judds. i spent most of my morning looking up screenshots from the “love can build a bridge” video. i remember they are standing on a mountain. it is one of my clearest memories from 1990. if i ever find it, i will be writing another entry. not enough people blog about the judds.

Bruce Willis
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

My baby’s daddy, baby’s daddy’s wife and baby’s daddy’s entire extended family and I all get along these days. Life is good. However I cannot stop thinking that I have been playing Bruce Willis. Not Bruce Willis in awesome movies such as Armageddon and Look Who’s Talking, but a real life Bruce Willis. I hang out with Demi Moore (baby’s daddy) and Ashton Kutcher (baby’s daddy’s wifey) on a regular basis…at t-ball games, parent’s nights and other daycare festivities. What is supposed to be strangely awkward isn’t really awkward at all…..well, I can think of things more awkward anyway.

However, it may have been awkward earlier today when the gang (me, parker, kevin, hannah, baby’s daddy and baby’s daddy’s wife) was at the daycare year end family picnic. one of my flickr friends mentioned my bruce willis self portrait and i was left to explain myself.

I thought it was funny. Then again, I am not a guy called “Demi.”

robert munsch.
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

Recently, I went to see Robert Munsch at the auditorium with the kiddo and my baby’s daddy’s mother. (Nope, that is not nearly as awkward as it implies.) I absolutely adore Robert Munsch. I am proud of the above picture because that is the famous “Robert Munsch” face. It was the shot I was hoping for; I guess it helped that we were in the third row.

I am becoming an expert in Munschworks. I have a child and when I am not with him, I am working in an elementary school or with people with special needs that enjoy the same things. Days go by where I am not exposed to anything above grade one level. I may be getting dumber, proof being that in the previous sentence, I nearly typed “buy” instead of “by.” Anyway, Parker and I bought the “Grand Treasury” which we have been enjoying. Our personal favourite is “Mortimer” which relates to our lives since Parker refuses to go to bed these days. Parker actually sings/screams “gonna make my noise all day” at random times which is…charming.

As I linked the book, I noticed that it is a hell of a lot cheaper on Amazon than at Chapters where I bought it. If it wasn’t for Chapters/Indigo/Heather Reisman being extremely awesome with the for the love of reading program, I might be pissed. Because of them, I was supervising the trainset at Chapters yesterday, wearing a paper crown. Also, my right arm made it national recently on the Gill Deacon show. I am a star.