Tonight, I was taking a sentimental journey, looking for some old pictures of Parker when I found a journal I wrote for one of my university classes. (I took a lot of psychology/social work/”let’s share our darkest moments in life” classes where writing skills weren’t important as long as you showed major angst and minimal thought.) Some things have changed since I wrote this journal in April 2003 (ie. the whole becoming a mom part) but the general gist of it remains the same: Death sucks and I still miss my dad sometimes.

happy father’s day,
laura

My Defining Moment

Sometimes in life, something happens and you are never the same. From that moment on, everything is different, sometimes it’s for better and other times for worse. These moments turn out to define all that is you. The event that has influenced my life the most so far, is the death of my father.

A year and a half ago, I was twenty-one and living life to the fullest. My life consisted of going out with friends most importantly and somehow managing to squeeze in school, a part-time job and then, finally, my family. Suddenly, late one night while I was sitting at home watching a movie with a friend, we received the call. My dad had a heart attack and was dead. It was a total shock to all of us, as my dad did not have any known heart problems and was only fifty years old. My dad had lived in Saskatchewan with my stepmother and my brother while I was going to school in Thunder Bay and living with my grandparents. The next few days were a blur; travelling from Thunder Bay to Saskatchewan for the funeral and trying to adjust to the fact I was without a father.

I was never really a “daddy’s girl.” I was more of the rebel with a cause in the family that no one ever quite understood fully. I was the one in a family of “rednecks” stood up for everything that they did not and would often confront my father on nearly everything imaginable including sexism, racism and environmental issues. Despite our differences and the distance between us, my father and I were rather close.

The summer before he died, we went to Regina for shopping, dinner at Montana’s (my father’s favourite restaurant) and a Roughriders football game. We had a fantastic time. After his death, my stepmother commented on how much my father enjoyed spending time with me that day and gave me the football jersey he had bought at the game. It is rather ironic that although these are happy memories, they are also sad because of the realization that they can never happen again.

Since this event in my life, everything has changed. Family dynamics have changed in a way that they can never go back. I realized how death affected everyone so differently. It was especially difficult watching my grandparents deal with their loss. My grandmother always represented a pillar of strength in our family. I had never seen her cry until that night. A mother losing her child goes against the natural order of things. My grandfather, who was a very sick and quiet man, became even quieter. My brother, who was very close with our father, also had some trouble adjusting. He sat in my dad’s truck for hours at a time listening to my dad’s favourite cds. For my stepmother, losing her best friend and husband was more than she could handle and more than once, she has found herself in psychiatric care.

For myself, I had never thought about losing a parent at this age. I had plans for my life that had involved my father such as him walking me down the aisle at my wedding or teaching my future children how to play hockey. This was my first experience of a sudden death of someone who was close to me. I had always known that grief was a long process but I had never realized how ongoing it was. At times, everything is fine and I seem to have everything resolved. Other times, I hear one of Meatloaf’s songs or watch a movie with a father and his daughter and I will become upset. I have still not been able to bring myself to go to the cemetery or even the new Montana’s restaurant in Thunder Bay. The anniversary of his death and holidays have been the hardest to get through so far. I am lucky that during these times I have family and friends to rely on for comfort.

At the funeral, people I did not even know approached me to tell me stories about my father and their love for him. My father was not a perfect man by any means but everyone, from his co-workers at the elevator to the children he coached on a local hockey team, had some story to tell. It was overwhelming to see how many people traveled for hours to go the funeral service and the number of cards and condolences our family received. It made me think about how incredible it was that one regular person could touch so many people’s lives. Since the funeral, I have often thought about how little effort it requires to make an impact on another’s life. For the few hours a week my father coached hockey, he managed to reach the children and establish relationships with each child. Lately, I have been thinking about the impact, if any, that I am leaving on other people’s lives. I am planning to find an activity that I enjoy so that I can make a difference as my father did.

Most importantly, since this event, I have developed a new appreciation for life and love. Before my father died, I have to admit that I was self-absorbed. It hurts that the last thing I said to my father was that he was annoying and then I hung up the phone. (He was teasing me about some boy in the way only fathers can tease their daughters.) Since then, I have made a conscious effort to tell people I love them more and try not to lose touch with people because I am “busy”. It sounds like a cliché but I really do believe that you should tell people how you feel because you never know when you might no longer have the chance. These days, when I listen to my friends complain about their parents, I cannot help but feel envious for them. I wish I could have one more day of my father teasing me or acting annoying.

With any event that happens in your life, it could influence you either positively or negatively depending on what you decide to do afterwards. Losing a parent is a very difficult time in your life. It does become easier over time as the painful memories fade and ones that are more positive move into the forefront. My father’s death has had a profound influence on my life as it resulted in many new lessons and a greater appreciation for life.