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my way of dealing with my anger is to have random conversations with myself after the incident takes place. i say aloud what i would have said at the time if i had thought of it, or had the balls to say it. sometimes i will be playing the conversation back in my head and then parker will say, “what, mama?” as even at three years of age, he knows that i should not be talking to myself.

Some examples of my comebacks are: “i fucking like cheese slices, bitch” or “bloody hell. i am not your “helper”, you overpaid retard” and sometimes even, “don’t tell me i’m a liar. do you think i get off on coming in here lying to you, ms. postal clerk? just give me my fucking letter or i will take two pieces of id and shove it up your old bag ass.”

harsh, i know but really, i rarely ever swear. it is usually only when i hurt myself unless i am very, very angry. the neat thing about me is when i get really angry, i start yelling and ranting and i don’t make any sense at all.

today was a bad driving day. i had two near miss accidents. the first one we won’t talk about because it was totally my fault. in the second one, a woman totally cut me off and i had to slam on brakes so i wouldn’t hit her.

my response: “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU DRIVE LIKE ME, YOU FUCKER.”
*waves fist in the air*

…biggest insult ever.

i have nothing to say. why am i even blogging?

it’s 1am. i was asleep for four hours and i am now sitting here in pajamas and with my head about five centimetres from the monitor as i do not have my contacts in.

on with junk that can’t possibly wait until morning….it is really important that i do the movie list that is on everyone’s facebook. i am not near 85 movies but i am positive no one is going to argue with me about the state of my life and whether or not i have one. besides, most of the movies that i watch didn’t even make the list. where is crazy little thing?” i’ve watched that like three times in the last week. i may be jenny mccarthy’s biggest and newest fan.

*2am update: i also decided to mutter unconsciously and share too much information. now i am going to wake up the kevin…he will love it.

(more…)

sometimes i think of returning to school to get another degree. i would not use said degree. my only reasoning in obtaining one is to tell some people that piss me off, “big shit. i have one of those too. fuck the hell off.” rationally, i know that this is not a good reason to spend thousands of dollars and years out of my life but…it is rather tempting.

face it, given my history in higher education, this is perhaps one of my better ideas. let’s be honest. my reasoning behind my first degree was “math is hard. i have an online lover and cannot keep him and do my finite homework. let’s become a social worker. you don’t need math for that.”

the reasoning behind the second degree was “christ i hate people because they don’t do what i think they should do…and i am knocked up. i guess i should do something before i have this kiddo because a ba will have me sifting through garbage cans for food and rolling my spare change.”

it’s funny because ten years after my graduation from high school, i still have no clue what to do with my life and i did spend the better part of my evening rolling my pennies. sure i work now but i don’t particularly enjoy it. actually, if i had it my way, life would be one big march break consumed with trips to the library, playdates, walks to the dollarstore and creeping on facebook.

having a career is totally overrated. i need a sugar daddy…or a winning lottery ticket…or at least lower standards so i don’t feel like a loser in life because i am a teacher’s bitch/special need kid glorified babysitter. i think one of my problems is that i am surrounded by super successful people. i should slum it a little more.

life lesson #1
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

“Never let a bald guy cut your hair.”

actual message written by me:

“so anyway, what’s new? it’s been since like…1999 or something. i see you are married and in winnipeg. congrats..on being married..not winnipeg. i don’t like winnipeg.

i googled you a few years ago to find out what you were up to but no good results. i guess me telling you that is creepy but it is also nice to be thought of and i would want to know if someone was thinking of me.”

as my favourite roomie mentioned, i was doing okay until i admitted that i was creepy. it’s like when you go on a job interview and say you are nervous. you should never say you’re nervous because then they automatically look for signs of your nervousness that they might not have noticed before you said that you were nervous. am i making sense? probably not.

i am so exhausted right now but i can’t sleep. i might have built up an immunity to nyquil as in it is affecting my brain but not my coughing. i toss and turn, hack up a lung or two and then i think, “fuck it” and get up because there is not enough pointless drivel on the internet. i need to do my part and make more.

"I saw this and thought of you."
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

“I saw this and thought of you. Just replace mother with grandmother and you’re all set. The socks even match! :D”

that is the email i received from my wonderful boyfriend today.

i like to think he is using the obvious “hey! your grandma tries to marry you off to random strangers and you have those socks” intended meaning rather than the more subtle “our relationship is crap and going nowhere” angle. because really…i am awesome. we all know it.

Contribution :: rrsp
Ryan :: Seacrest
Minimal :: ist
Cleansed :: bowels
Centered :: justification
Arrow :: bow
Beyond :: the Mat
Execute :: failed to execute..grrr.
Intuition :: “i have a feeling!”
Apology :: sorry!

welcome to spring break. that means…no work for a week!

christie and mike (well, mike’s car anyway) are in town!

no school for parker!

four more hours then i am done, done, done!

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(one may think from this entry that i have huge plans for the week. i don’t. unless your idea of big plans include a potty training blitz, completing your income tax return and grocery shopping. since christie is in town, we might also make numerous trips to…walmart. life does not get any better than this.)

i don’t know how many posts a person can write about being ill, but apparently, i can write at least one more.

this weekend was particularly awful. i sounded like a man. i was hacking up most of my internal organs. i had a headache, hot and cold flashes and a brutally sore throat. as an added bonus, any time i would eat anything, i would have some huge stomach issues. luckily, i had a wonderful boyfriend to take care of me. it was like in kissing jessica stein…”who do you call when you’re sick” and she says, “i don’t get sick” and then she does get sick and is taken care of…awwww. when i say “just like it”, i mean it’s totally similiar except for the fact that my partner is…male. (i love that movie. sometimes i feel the need to watch it again but after the last time when i became inspired and started looking through personal ads on womanline and then initiated a drunken dtr on msn when i was told by a potential male suitor that he thought i might enjoy the company of women more…anyway, maybe i should not go there again.)

some can argue that i am a bit of a suck when i am sick. i lie there and say, “oh my god. i’m sick” over and over again. after numerous backrubs, sleeping all weekend, and with the aid of nyquil/dayquil, i began to feel better. in fact, yesterday morning i was up at 4am (that’s what happens when you take nyquil at 6pm), proclaiming, “I FEEL BETTER!” which was short-lived.

yesterday wasn’t so bad. i made it to work, drugged up and coughing but managed. i went to bed early last night and woke up today, feeling as awesome ever. i felt like i was back to my old self again. i ate breakfast. i had fruit loops and orange juice straight up**. i did laundry. i did some dishes while singing “november rain” which was on the radio…

…and then the honeymoon ended. granted “november rain” is one of the longest songs ever, but now i am heading to work in an hour and i am feeling right gross. i am exhausted. the stomach issues have returned. i cannot stop coughing. i need my puffer (which is unfortunate because i haven’t renewed my prescription for puffers in about three years) as i cannot breathe.

next time, i will take it easy and when i feel awesome, give it time and maybe sing something short and sweet like “happy birthday.” freaking nyquil highs and GNR. you wake up feeling awesome (probably because you are hammered) and then halfway through the your air guitar solo***, you crash and burn.

* and ** in my next post, i will talk about some oscar winning, critcally acclaimed movies which do not include kissing jessica stein, the bodyguard and snow day which i have referenced in my last few posts.

*** for christmas, i received a t-shirt that says “i play a mean air guitar.” that says it all, folks.