futurecatlady.net

Last night when i was at a training session for work (again), I sat with two ladies my age. One was engaged, getting married this summer and the other is a happy newlywed, just married last fall. The two chatted about weddings and shags and showers and buying houses. They shared their hopes and dreams for the future…taking vacations, having children etc. I, obviously, had nothing to add to this conversation.

While many girls when they are young fantasize about their weddings, even a ten year old laura knew that any wedding of mine would not be like the ones seen on tv. We never had much money. My family has always been….interesting. Since one can’t very well get married and not invite any of her family members, I decided going away would be best. I have always been a proud, easily embarassed yet realistic person so i would sooner hide my dysfunction than embrace it and have a jerry springer like wedding. There would never be uncle stu antics, brawls or inappropriate speeches at any wedding of mine. I would go to a beach..or vegas and see celine dion. I had big plans even if the closest thing I have ever got to wedding planning was a midnight game of girl talk when i was 12.

As you grow up and time ticks away, you realize that maybe getting married isn’t in the cards for you. Your father dies and you realize you will be giving yourself away. More people die and other family relationships fall apart and suddenly, you are estranged from everyone except your grandmother who serves swanson turkey dinners to you on Thanksgiving. You have failed relationships and failed things that aren’t even relationships. You realize that most people who you know that are married are also miserable and you are ashamed to feel a little happy about that. You try to tell yourself that you are just fine being alone and cats are better than men anyway. You have a child and realize that even if you found someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, it would be better to save the money for parker’s education. You tell yourself that it’s funny that you are the blessed broken road that leads others to the something that you don’t really want anyway.

Finally, you realize that you are just lying to yourself and that hurts more than anything, but life still has to go on. You are headed off to Parent’s Night by yourself again. Yes, my son has a different last name than me. Yup, his father is married. Yeah, I am okay with that. Nope, I have no idea why he doesn’t come to these things. Parker and I do live alone. Nah, it’s not that hard. No thanks, I’m already dating someone. Nope, there are no plans for anything like that. Sure, I will keep that in mind if things don’t work out.

This is my life, internet. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I just want to pick up someone’s dirty socks and have all the pampered chef products I could ever need. I wish I had someone to shovel my snow. I wish there was someone around who gets excited about carnivals and field trips to city hall because they care as much about the parkerpoo as i do.

I wish I could be the irritating people disrupting my medication training. I wish I wasn’t so jealous of what i didn’t have.

Years ago, I was one of your biggest fans. I had all of your cds and dvds. I even had some dolls. (Alright, i had* three dolls. One from “oops i did it again”, one from “crazy” and one from “baby one more time.” ) I saw you in concert in Toronto. I still have the tshirt. I even ordered a lifesize cardboard cutout of a pepsi promoting you off of ebay. As a bonus, I received a Christmas display of you dressed as an elf which i proudly put up instead of a Christmas tree. We don’t talk about how much I paid for that. I still own “Crossroads” on dvd and if anyone asked, I could probably remember all the correct lyrics for both “From the bottom of my broken heart..” and “Born to make you happy.” I could have said one of your bigger hits, but who doesn’t know all of the words to those ones?

However, in recent years, you have chosen a different life path than me. Let’s face it, we all have the baby’s daddy that we might regret and who hasn’t left the house without their underwear? Anyone who ever saw my pink hair would admit that i would have been better off shaving my head. But you, britney, it makes me sad what has happened to you. In the class at school, some girls still love you as you were back in 1999. I try to hide what you have been up to more recently from her as she will only be young once and it would probably hurt her dear special needs heart should she know about your recent adventures.

It must be very hard for you to live your entire life in the spotlight. I wouldn’t even begin to understand that as no one cares what I do. Although, I’ve never had a problem which made me go to rehab, I’ve faced my own demons. I’ve also had the court and all of that fun stuff which comes with failed relationships. It is hard but you can do it. I just read that you left rehab again. Maybe it wasn’t the right place or the right time for you…i know from my saving the world days that some people go to rehab thirty times before it finally works.

It makes me sad about what is happening to you and I worry about you. It’s like I want to just give you a big hug and start my own intervention. I am still getting over Anna Nicole’s death so I have no idea how sensitive me would react if something terrible happened to you. I am sure your other fans will say the same. You will know when it is time to get help or make a change. I just hope it is in time.

In the meantime, if you are ever stuck, feel free to come up to Thunder Bay. No one will ever find you here.

Love,
Laura

* OKAY. I STILL HAVE THE DOLLS. SHUT UP.

the last few days have been nuts. life has been busy.

however, even when your house is a mess, you are leaving on a trip and have a bunch of errands to do in the next two hours (and i should probably pack too), you should always find a little time for some…..unconscious muttering.

a former blog heroine of mine used to do this free association exercise years ago and we always had the same answers. i thought that meant something until she finally grew a life and stopped blogging which…well, isn’t likely over here. recently, i found two more blog heroines who also do partake in this timewaster and i have been inspired to give it a shot.

The best thing : naps
Hold :: on for one more day..things will go your way…hold on for one more day..lalala. (a special needs darling was rocking out to this yesterday. who doesn’t love wilson phillips?)
Rapture :: toronto. (no wait, those are raptors. i am not ashamed that the first thing i think or makes me seem retarded. no holds barred, internet.)
Cover :: up.
Restrictive :: pants
Baker :: jules
Author :: write
Pill :: take your (i have a sign on my fridge that says, “take your pills, laura”)
Months :: calendar
Valentine’s Day :: yippee!

dear internet,

just so you know, i am unhappy.

i am aware that this is up to me to change but unfortunately, the changes that need to be made require money and in order to get said money, i am forced to work jobs i hate. you know you are unsatisfied/unhappy/bored/jaded/etc when you see that your local neighbourhood convenience sore is hiring and you actually consider applying. I think to myself, “i worked at 7eleven in university. it wasn’t that bad……” it’s too bad that i would have to work double in order to make the same money i am making now, or else i would seriously consider it.

after today’s adventures at second place on my hate list, i am going to work at my new, other job which is simply okay. while i don’t particularly enjoy swimming at the coldest pool of life and then going out in -30 weather, i do like money. chlorine always makes me hungry anyway and i will use that as an excuse when i cannot resist the temptations of mcdonalds. twelve hours from now, i will pick up my parker/come home/be warm and snuggle with fat cat and skinny bitch and read white oleander, thanking god for tuesdays.

in other news, tomorrow is tuesday. i love tuesdays as i do not work on tuesdays. ever. i am contemplating a mini-adventure prior to the birthday festivities with my grandma, dear madge. wednesday is valentine’s day. this year, i will get my freaking heart shaped pizza from boston pizza if i have to kill for it and then i will have a special evening out with my ultimate valentine, parker. he bought dora valentines for his friends at school. i tried to convince him to pick out something a little more manly but…of course not. in the past, i have had tons to say about valentine’s day. this year is no exception as i have a special treat planned for the internet; a three part special involving the ghosts of valentine’s day, past, present and future. watch for it. i know all five of you love my humourous anecdotes that make you feel better about your own life.

happy monday internet, cross your fingers teenage boys don’t make me cry today.

love,
laura

it is no secret that i am sensitive. i have always been this way. when i was a kid, i was the one who cried all the time whenever anyone spoke to me or asked me a question. i like to think i’ve become better over the years. most times, i think of my increased sensitivity as a good thing. as upset as i get over bad things, good things that happen to me are even better because i have feelings.

sometimes i get upset about things that “shouldn’t” upset me. today, a boy in grade seven made me cry. i am well aware that said grade seven must have some issues to say such things and i shouldn’t let something a teenager stranger said get me down but…it does. i am also aware that it is absolutely nuts that a thirty year old woman who manages to raise a child by herself and graduated from university twice (let alone, passed grade seven) breaks down in tears because a seventh grader, inner-city “punk” makes fun of her. unfortunately, crazy or not; this is how i roll. some people get angry, some people just ignore it or laugh it off. i cry. i guess it’s just one of my character traits.

although this entry makes me appear like some weak claire richards type, i don’t think that’s particularly true either. i cry at movies i’ve seen a thousand times, reality tv, weddings and tim horton’s commericals. if you have ever watched message in a bottle or sisterhood of the traveling pants, you’ve seen what i am talking about. i’m a suck. just don’t make fun of me…i might start crying again.

i love to share with the world how much of a sex loser i am. i think it’s funny…actually, hilarious.

1. Have you ever had sex in a friend’s house/apartment/car/whatever… but not with that friend? Does your friend know?
no, never actually. i’ve always had my own house/apartment/car/whatever to do such stuff.

2. Have you ever sat at your computer naked?
all the time. right now, i am at brad’s computer naked. sorry, brad.

3. If you are sure you WOULD get caught, is there anyone (known personally, celebrity, fictional character) you’d cheat with?
nope. i am not a cheater but if i was, why would i cheat if i was sure i would get caught? i am so confused. let’s just go with mr. tom selleck, the magnum p.i. years.

4. Have you ever photocopied a body part?
my hands..that’s probably not the answer you’re looking for.

5. Just how rigid are your standards: Is there anyone out there (say, a celebrity), that you’d do, just to say you scored? (We aren’t talking a dreamy celebrity i.e. Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston; we are talking Mick Jagger, Dick Chenney, or the Queen of England.)
jack layton. i met him a few times at political events with my grandmother. she would be so proud of me.

6. Have you ever contacted a “lost love” years later?
nope. i figure they are lost for a reason…usually because they have left me to return to their ex.

7. What was the worst thing your SO ever caught you doing? What was the worst thing your parents ever caught you doing? Did you ever do either of those things again?
my secret is to never get caught. i learned that quick after my brother walked in on me and baby’s daddy…

8. What is the shortest period of time you’ve ever gone between sex with two different sexual partners in separate sessions (that means threesomes don’t count unless they are separate threesomes)?
three…..years. don’t even ask what the longest period of time was.

9. Besides the usual (lingerie, sexy shoes, etc.), what’s the sexiest thing your SO can wear?
i’m so boring. i prefer my partners to not wear lingerie or sexy shoes.

10. Have you ever masterbated with a household object (other than a sex toy)? If so what?
well there was this one time i experimented with a cucumber……

or not. i am so boring again.

Bonus (as in optional): For you girls out there…what size boobs do you have? For you guys, how many inches are you packing?
i have no idea what size boobs i have…bigger than a C apparently as I am suffering from overflow lately. (major crouton boobs, christie!)

It’s the weekend. It’s a weekend where my son is gone with his father. I still miss him when he is gone for the two days. In the past, I would spend this time, working constantly. However, lately, I have become more of a slacker and only working one monday-friday job (and lately, not even each of these days.) So here I am, internet, sitting online at 4pm in my pajamas, drinking hot chocolate and missing my little man who is more challenging yet more lovable each day. It is brutally cold today, the kind of cold which makes you swear. It is currently -25C but feels like…..are you ready?

-43C (How do you get the little degree o, anyway?)

So far today, I went out for breakfast and returned home to have a three hour nap. I probably will not go out tonight due to the frigid weather and the fact that my vehicle is unable to turn left safely as it is too cold for “boyfriend” to fix my signal light. I have great plans of vacuuming tonight with my new dirt devil that “boyfriend” assembled earlier today. In keeping with my dorky roots, I plan to upload some pictures to flickr and jazz up my sidebar this evening. I suppose I could call someone to do something but…it’s cold.

Before I started blogging, I was sitting here, thinking of what to blog about. It’s not Sunday yet so there is no unconscious muttering to be done. In my earlier blogging days, I used to do the friday five which shut down over two years ago. Sometimes, even a savvy blooger such as myself, needs a little help in finding something totally useless to write about. Luckily, the power of google led me to two things which I am very excited about; TMI Tuesday and Wet Wednesdays. As my five readers know, there is never a such thing as too much information at futurecatlady.net.

TMI…saturday
1. Do you think people in general are too forgiving of or too harsh on promiscuous women? Promiscuous men?
People in general are jerks to women. We all know that. Perhaps my women’s studies minor and the accompanying repulsion to shaving my legs, are influencing my opinion but really, George Clooney can be a bachelor for life and fuck everyone in town and that’s fine. Paris Hilton makes some questionable life choices and we make std jokes. (I also think stds are serious conditions and should never be joked about, ever.) Some may argue that this is a bad example, comparing an oscar winner to whatever my dear paris is, but I will go to the grave defending Paris Hilton. “Stars are blind” was possibly one of my favourite songs from 2006, I enjoyed House of Wax and a part of me still yearns for her to reconcile with Nick Carter. To get to my point, men can do what they want and it’s fine. Women can’t. The end.

Suppose you’ve been dating someone for a year, and they’re slowly getting fat. Does this romance have long-term potential?
Sure. I love fatties. I am also a fatty. As long as it doesn’t reach richard simmons showing up at your house with a crane, all is good.

If you have five VERY successful dates with someone, are you a couple?
You are never a couple until you have a talk and it is established you are a couple. This could be one date or ahem, six months. I’ve been confused about this many times in the past and i find this general rule works.

When you have a “toe-curling” orgasm, do your toes curl up, or down?
I find it hard to believe that toes actually curl up so i am going with down. I have never really paid much attention to my feet at this time.

Can great sex be reason enough to stay in a relationship? (What about just okay sex?)
Of course it is. Great sex, okay sex or simply just getting any sex is reason enough to stay. It doesn’t even have to be sex. I might stay in a relationship just because they have a truck, buy me things or to have something to do. Obviously, this isn’t enough for anything long-term but for a little while, why not? If you live where i do, there isn’t a lot else out there for me, anyway.

Bonus (as in optional): When you’re unhappy in a relationship, do you treat the other person badly? Examples we’ve tried: causing jealousy, picking fights, withholding sex, getting real quiet.
Sure. It’s not always because I’m unhappy; sometimes i pick fights just for something to do.

And now for wet wednesday,

1. have you ever had an HIV test? how did you feel at the time you were being tested?
They test you when you are knocked up. I also get tested at my not-so-yearly physical when they test for low blood sugar and other assorted junk. I’ve never been too concerned because I have always seduced virgins. Maybe this year I will be a little more worried, ask me then.

2. when you became sexually active, did school/media bombard you with “safe sex” campaigns?
I went to Catholic school. That says it all.

3. if you didn’t have to worry about STDs (but pregnancy was a reality), would you use condoms?
It depends. Birth control doesn’t work (see: parker). Condoms fall off inside your body and you have to go to the emergency to get them removed. I am not trusting of either method.

4. do you like the smell of sex on you after the fact, or are you scrambling to get in the shower after you’ve finished?
I am indifferent. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep. Showers are good too but if you think you might have sex again soon after, why bother? I don’t like having three showers a day; it dries out my skin and fucks up my hair. No sex is worth straightening your hair again.

5. what is the sexiest scent on the person you’re attracted to?
To me it doesn’t matter as long as you are clean. I like good hygiene so smell like deodorant and toothpaste and i am good to go.

Because this blog entry is not long enough, I have some more random crap to talk about. While aimlessly crusing the internet, I found myself reading about internal cleansers and detoxifying the body. I have heard about people using these products before and have often thought about trying it myself. I like healthy. I’ve battled IBS in the past. I have eaten my share of junk in my thirty years and I would like to not have parasites inside by body. However, I found myself in the photo gallery and I am now changing my mind and would prefer to be in denial. The point of the pictures is to disgust you enough to do the cleanse but for me, it has had the opposite effect. I feel alright and I would die rather than to pass something like this…..

They say, “Death begins in the colon.” I am okay with that. Could you imagine passing one of those gems in the bathroom at the mall or at work?