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what’s shaking in lauraland update: in point form because i suck, it’s nearly 5am and..suck.

~ouch, laura, ouch. sarah did a fine job of explaining yesterday’s adventures. i will post pics one day.

~we had a storm and my internet and cable tv did not work for two days. i live alone with a two year old. this did not go very well.

~i’ve added more archives (look up, memory lane) and changed some categories. endless summer nights (thank you, richard marx) need a category of their own. dating is hard has been changed to “men are hard” because as i so eloquently stated, “you don’t have to be dating for men to get hard.” i am no longer looking at my stats and have turned off my tracker. fame is daunting. :)

~i am currently downloading britney spears songs. i am well past my britney phase but i am performing in a talent show next week. i am the best worker ever. i think i might even dress up in a schoolgirl outfit.

~i had a lot of plans for the weekend. they were awesome fun plans (out for a birthday with “stella”, having a yard sale with becky, crashing a plenty of loser event with those friends of mine who have not given up on internet dating..yet, and a hot date at the cemetary with madge.) seeing how i can’t walk very well, i don’t know how they will go. i might just rock the bay with a limp.

~i pulled a jessica stein a few days ago. i was looking around the net and saw a FSF who QUOTED SARAH HARMER IN HER PROFILE. i put up a stupid ad so i could contact her and tried my best to be charming…and she didn’t respond. i love rejection!

~speaking of rejects, have i ever told anyone that i will one day die alone with a bunch of cats? no? i didn’t think so. just when i ended the streak, i am having another high fidelity moment. if anyone out there wants to comment and tell me what is wrong with me; i am ready. i’m a tough chick, i can take it. the thing about streaks is that they leave you wanting more, but not the eating cookies while researching sex toys on the internet more..so please help. bring it, internet.

~i saw cars with the little man and sue tonight. i think i enjoyed it more than he did. i found talking automobiles very amusing. the little love story cracked me right up..PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE CARS.

~i’ve been reunited with someone i met who seemed like an incredibly awesome person this week. we are going to make plans someday soon to kick it which i am pumped about. to think i thought i fucked it all up with bad choices but…no.

more oilers signs!
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.


Oiler House.
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

“let’s go oilers!” house
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

bring it home prongs!
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

big game seven tonight! either way, i will get my chance to pose inappropriately with the cup whether here in thunder bay, or in dryden. when i was in dryden this weekend, i thought it was incredibly cool how everyone was dressed in oilers tshirts and hats. everytime i saw a sign, i got all excited, christie would laugh at me and then i would pull out the camera like the total dork i am. cool stuff like that just doesn’t happen here; at least, anywhere i go. i’d love to watch the game with the people who live in that house..i bet they yell at the t.v.

i just love when people have interests and get excited about things. mike was yelling at the tv during the game saturday night. cherry popsicle used to yell at wrestling. i’ve even been guilty of screaming at the tv during the more controversial episodes of judging amy. then again, who am i kidding? i have a child-like excitement about most things in life..like finding cool things at yard sales or even..matching socks! nothing bores me more than people who have no enthusiasm for anything. suck.

all the little kiddos at school are pumped. they are still bragging about how their cousin’s grandma’s brother’s neighbour used to cut the grass at eric staal’s house. i think it is the cutest thing ever. personally, i haven’t really watched hockey since my ninth grade crush on paul kariya. my brothers played when we were kids and we used to go to all the games. my dad and i even collected hockey cards but i will spare the internet another trip down the “laura’s dead father” memory lane. (yes, i am purposely leaving out another hockey memory *cringes*) i hope parker plays one day though. he seems to like his sticks so far.

so..will i watch the game tonight? likely not..too late for me as i am exhausted (and crabby) but i blogged about it and that counts for something.

so today, after being up since 6am, driving four hours back home and working an eight hour shift, you would think i would go home and go to sleep. of course i didn’t.

tonight sarah and i rocked the lake. it was a beautiful night. the stars were very pretty and the fireflies were out. i have never seen so many fireflies in my life. it was almost as if it was out of a movie. we braved the icy cold water and waded to a rock which we sat on and talked about life underneath the stars.

under the night sky, i began to think about the awesome things i have going on in my life. i have some spectacular friends who know enough not to even mention father’s day as i would bring it up when i was ready. i had a fantastic weekend vacay with friends that will never know how much they have done for parker and i. i have a delightful little man who makes me laugh and keeps me going despite the urge i have sometimes to curl up in a ball and cry. it was so peaceful that it made me forget about failed relationship after failed relationship…the things i don’t have and even, that it was father’s day.

i am happy and making the best of what i do have. i might not be the cantor in the church choir or have a great job that i “could” be doing if i only applied myself/tried harder/was better. instead i belt out the wrong words to “total eclipse of the heart” in a sentra and spend my days reminding children to not pick their nose and discussing britney spears circa 1999. i might be too neurotic for life sometimes but i still keep living. things could be better but i know they could also be worse. i am trying and doing the best that i can. that’s all i can do and i think i am finally okay with that.

on a slightly more upbeat note, i found my inner nature girl tonight and peed outside in the bush. it was dark and the porta-potty appeared to be tilted. (those things are gross, anyway.) the fireflies were so bright that we thought they were headlights and that the police were coming again and would catch me without pants on. to think, only a few weeks ago, i had to go and stood on the side of the road for a minute before saying, “i can’t do this” and opting to hold it for an hour. i am a changed woman. congrats, laura.

also, check out sarah’s version of the night. i figured i’ve talked about being naked in public and general social retardation enough lately. well, except for the peeing story, that is an accomplishment i must share with the world.

so it’s father’s day..happy father’s day to all the dads out there!

..i hate father’s day.

don’t worry, it’s not going to be a recap of easter.

..but i really do hate father’s day and i don’t want to talk about it.

maybe it’s the lack of sleep. maybe it’s the conversation that always follows me:

“so what are you doing for father’s day?”

“well nothing, since my dad is dead. oh, and parker? yeah i sent him off with his dad and future stepmom while i decided to rock the local women’s shelter..it’s just another day for me.”

…but it’s not. it’s been five years now and still painful. i’ve been thinking about it more lately since my brother’s wedding last month. he brought up my dad during the speeches and everyone bawled. it’s funny how you think you are over it and most days, you are. sometimes though, when you least expect it, your mind takes you back to that time and all the painful events that occurred after it. you wonder what it would be like be like if he was still around. you wish your son could have known his grandfather. you wish you could take back what you said and that you did things that you should have done so long ago.

happy father’s day, dad.

a month ago, i wrote about strapless bras. since that shopping fiasco, i have continued to have bra issues. sometimes they fit, sometimes they don’t. i desperately needed new bras as it is tank top and t-shirt season. i should be wearing nice bras if they are going to be hanging out of my shirts. it’s bad enough that i have the daily ritual of bending over in a low cut shirt and exposing myself to the world. i am not even embrassed of this anymore. everyone in town has seen my boobs at some point, whether it was those disasterous wet tshirt contests in my younger days, breastfeeding in public or nightswimming. they are just boobs. unfortunately, i feel pressure from society (i.e. madge) and feel the need to dress appropriately.

last weekend, i went shopping. i tried on every bra imaginable and finally left with nothing except the realization that i have no freaking clue what size my breasts are. it got to the point where i couldn’t even tell if a bra fit me or not. that’s sad, internet.

in dryden this weekend, christie took me to “michelle’s top drawer”, a fancy lingerie shop where they will actually measure you. i thought this was a great idea since i don’t live in dryden and could quite easily make a fool out of myself since i’m not from there anyway. because i am generally socially awkward, i stumbled around the shop, looking at bras and waiting for her to approach me. looking back, i don’t know what i was thinking since it is highly unlikely that the salesperson would just come up to me and ask to measure my breasts. when she finally came by and asked if i needed help, christie said that i definitely needed help. the woman got out her tape measure and said i was measuring a 36C. that alone is funny because it is the most popular size in the world and one would think i could have just guessed at that.

she validated my previous shopping experiences and told me that in some styles of bras i would be an A, or a B, or a D. since she is a bra expert, she went through every style of bra in the store and brought them to me in the appropriate size for that bra. some were Bs and some were Cs. the first couple i tried on were awesome and then i had about 50 duds. we realized that the foam ones just don’t fit me right because i suck.

at one point, i was trying on a black front clasp push-up and i couldn’t tell if it actually fit or not. she came in and helped.

bra lady: “k. the straps are too loose.”

*fixes straps*

bra lady: “move your right breast up.”

me: “huh?”

bra lady: “no..up…that’s out.”

me: *fiddles like the uncoordinated oaf i am*

bra lady: “there you go.”

i finally left the store with three bras. i did get the black front clasp and a mocha tshirt bra. (did you know that you are supposed to wear mocha under white? crazy.) finally, i bought this gem. it is the best bra i have ever owned. i bought it in a forest greenish colour. i want to wear it everyday without a shirt just to show the world how great it is. i even bought the matching thong. i don’t particularly like thongs since i have enough problems with regular underwear creeping up my ass. considering i don’t own pants that fit me and refuse to wear belts, i figure it might be better to wear smaller underwear than having big bridget jones granny panties pulled up to my boobs with my pants down to my knees.

that’s right, internet. i keep getting hotter and hotter but at least i have nice underwear.

here i am in hot/humid d-town at 2pm. the drive down was the best one yet. we didn’t have to stop except for gas and that didn’t even require getting out of the car. the parkerpoo slept until upsala; he is becoming an awesome traveller. maybe we will hit winnipeg/mall of america this summer. :)

muscial selections for the trip down included: the cocktail soundtrack, madonna: true blue, celine dion:the colour of my love, billy ray cyrus: some gave all and abba: greatest hits volume II.

once we hit wabigoon lake first nation, it was crunch time and we had to listen to the little people: songs for the road. sarah, singing knick knack paddy whack was not the same without you. i giggled with “he played knick knack on my thighs” and became teary eyed with “..knick knack up in heaven..” it gets me every time.

we went to the school and eventually found christie’s classroom. it was cool to be in her class and see her work with all the kids. i was very impressed as she was a great teacher and her read aloud was actually entertaining. i am so proud of her. yay. i loved when she called herself “crabby ******.”

parker was scared of the kiddos and wouldn’t even look at them. we had lunch with christie (mike was mia) and now we are resting until school is over..

plans for the weekend include: the school’s spring carnival (complete with cotton candy), church, walmart/7eleven, hockey game, eating out and thinking of a new way to abuse the dryden moose. suggestions anyone?

i also am stiff and walking like an old woman. apparently, sitting for four hours is hard.

right now, i am at the super tired stage when you don’t know whether you will fall asleep sitting up at the computer or..vomit. i am no longer as spry as a cricket. i need to go to bed early and i need to be asleep at 3am..not be sitting in a slummy, 24 hour diner on the outskirts of town, eating “mowie wowie” cheesecake.

the fact i fell asleep and missed the entire third period of the hockey game could have been a clue to just go home and go to bed. i was talking to sarah while leaving someone’s* house and then realized that i was hungry and suggested we go for a quick bite to eat and then i would go home to sleep. that quick bite to eat turned into “i’d love to go to the berry farm one day..” to “sure. let’s go to grandma’s.” it was a school night. i should have known better as i walked around life today in a tired haze.

as always, it was a great time. i met sarah’s uncles, ron and gord, who bear a striking resemblence to my infamous uncle stu, and was reunited with brad who was doing some man work. unfortunately, checking out the berry farm was a bit of a failure seeing as it was dark, being midnight and all. i froze my ass off (not literally unfortunately) as i was wearing a tank top and it was all of about 5C outside. i charmed sarah’s family with the famous vacuum story, singing every mariah cariah song i could remember, and my extensive farming knowledge.

me: “..but how can you work the berry booth when the berries haven’t hatched yet..”

me: “you made the pond…but how did you get the water in there?”

i come from a long line of saskatchewan rednecks and spent 21 summers on a farm. apparently, i didn’t pay much attention. let’s blame it on the tired.

anyway, i hope to see the berry farm in the daylight and maybe even do some picking this summer. right now, i’m tired but working (or packing for dryden) and it is the suck. i could write more about last night but for the tenth time, i’m tired. read sarah’s version of last night’s events; she writes better than me anyway.

*it seriously agitates me to be unable to blog about this. the pain in the ass reads my blog and writing about said person is probably not socially acceptable. it might be time to dust off the livejournal because christ, the stories can’t tell themselves.

internet, did i mention i was tired..so tired that i might throw up? just throwing that out there.

…because my fear of blowjobs has been discussed in public and you’re all making fun of my website already…:)

1. sarah’s brother brad and his girlfriend broke up recently. as happy as i am about now having another way to try to get into the sovereign family, i guess that’s not really the point (even though i’ve been talking about hooking up with brad to get into sarah’s family for years.) anyway brad, remember that love takes time to heal when you’re hurting so much. if time doesn’t help, just wait until next weekend when i show up in your room in the middle of the night. there are other fish in the sea, just don’t find them on plenty of losers. (if you are listening to our musical stylings, skip to 2:20, that’s when we really get good. if you thought our kenora adventures were..interesting, just wait for our trip entitled “remember this, fucker” in november. any requests? i am thinking air supply’s “all out of love.”)

2. 30 second bunnies theatre is perhaps ONE of the best ways to spend thirty seconds. i checked it out tonight and have been laughing like a loon ever since. i especially loved titanic. brokeback mountain may have been ruined for me because i haven’t seen it yet, but i am trying to block that from memory. anyway, checker out. you will love it, i promise.

3. tonight, i was shopping and i found some bubble bath for parker. it is from cars and shaped like a container of oil and comes complete with a funnel. the scent was…get ready for it, BERRY FAST. i thought this was hilarious and laughed for a good ten minutes, nearly wetting myself. internet, berry fast is almost as funny as the sign dairy queen puts up every year, “yule love our logs.” years later, just even thinking about that sign cracks me up. heck, i am giggling right now.

happy wednesday everyone!

point form because i am lazy:

~ happy half-birthday, parkerpoo. today, you’re exactly two and a half!

~ i went out friday with the girls from work. we were celebrating a birthday and even had penis straws. stella, my drunken alter-ego and her breasts made an appearance. hilarity ensued. i might be slightly embarassed to go to work tomorrow but what the hell, i live for awkward moments.

~ also, on friday, i relearned the lesson, “do not meet guys in bars.” i still got it apparently. that was nice to know. it was more coworkers talking to them than me but i still got to hear the worst lines ever. “have you ever looked at someone and seen them ten years from now still sitting beside you…?” and “how old is your range..” in regards to my asking the “how old are you?” small talk question. the kicker was when they wanted to go for a hot tub. i politely declined as “i’m not that kind of girl” and wow, someone was a little pissy. i did talk to someone who was cool and gave an inspiring talk on how i should never be anyone’s errand girl at work. i am qualified and a popsicle bitch, no longer. watch out, world.

~small talk is an art that i need to learn. my small talk involves talking about my cat, my kid, nightswimming and my..domain. hellos to everyone i told about my website on friday.

~ it is still too cold for wild goose and it is closed from 11pm-7am as the opp informed us. “omg, they ARE here to arrest us.” (that one is for you, jules.) we even scored a fire from the most open homosexual i have ever seen, Queenie.

~ i am the big red retard again this year. i remembered to put sunblock on my kiddo but forgot to put it on myself. ouch.

~ yardsailing was awesome this week. sarah and i scored furniture and ate hot dogs prior to 9am. the best find of the day was the picture of pope john paul II that i bought for vikki. we were out hunting the earliest we’ve ever been which was awesome because i was “sober drunk” the night before and we had about three hours sleep. i also lindsay lohaned again. hot.

~ you all need to download sarah harmer’s pendulums and the entire new dixie chicks cd. i love “not ready to make nice.” i especially love “they say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting..” because MY NOSE STILL FREAKING HURTS.

~ dryden. friday. woooooooo.

~ msn is still crappy….obviously, because i am a blogging machine.