futurecatlady.net

here by popular demand, i have no boundaries.

i have started to write this entry a thousand times and it sits in drafts, getting more and more added to it as time progresses and i become crazier. the main points always stay the same. i know it sounds crazy but life, you’ve made me this way.

so dating always starts the same way. i start hanging out with someone. i then cannot figure out whether he likes me or just has nothing better to do than spend time with me. most people are thinking, “what? who would spend time with someone they didn’t think was that great just because they didn’t have anything better to do?” the funny thing is i have been on both sides of this social retard phenomenon.

if i ever figure out whether they actually like me or not, then i get crazy. you see internet, if you like me “too much”, i will become spooked and paranoid, kind of like black beauty on oxycontin, and run like the wind. if you don’t show enough effort and are too laidback, i end up thinking “he’s just not into me” and contemplate pulling a jessica stein or getting another cat. “he’s just not that into you” may in fact be the worst book i have ever read because i get thinking about every little thing as “he doesn’t like me. that’s okay. i’m still cool, right sydney?”

if things are actually working out and move into the physical realm, i become increasingly crazy. first off, i am much hotter on the internet due to you know fat, stretch marks, and leaky boobs. i am not too experienced in the physical arena as i’ve only “really” been with the cherry popsicle partnerwise and really, we could have been doing it wrong for seven years. we had tons of offs where i would briefly date some randoms but never take it to that level. dear internet, i am sure you recall the famous vacuum incident where the last time i reached a certain point with someone and they were critiquing my housekeeping skills. ouch.

so you could be bad, or worse they could be bad and there is always the chance you can just get flipped over and receive the surprise of your life with no preparation. i’ve heard the horror stories, thanks everyone. it’s also been ages. that alone increases my risk to have some sort of honeymoom cystitis and end up on a course of antibiotics, losing ten pounds and moaning on my bathroom floor, and not in the shaggy sort of way.

i am also increasingly neurotic about having another baby or getting an std or both. as i’ve said a thousand times before, you can’t even go down on anyone anymore without getting something funky in your throat just like emma on degrassi when they were exchanging sexual favours for bracelets. then you get into the whole condom pickle. i am a firm believer in the condom jinx because really, the last time i bought condoms i didn’t have sex for two years. use someone else’s condoms? ha. i don’t think so. there is always the chance that i am a poor judge of character and thus, they have poked holes in them in some attempt to sew their devil seed AND give me chlamydia. that’s the silent disease that OMG, I COULD HAVE IT RIGHT NOW AND NOT EVEN KNOW.

it’s neat because these thoughts enter my crazy brain the second anyone touches me. a coworker’s voice face appears with her giving the sage advice, “don’t ever be anyone’s convenience fuck, laura” along with several images from the health unit’s propaganda they hand out at school. this leads me to jump, run away and say something socially awkward yet charming like, “don’t touch me, why are you touching me?” and “i’m not that kind of girl”, uttered in the high pitched shriek everyone has all learned to love.

because of all the above, i get so worked up over even the most simple little date. i try to be the “aloofest” person ever and act calm and cool but inside, i feel like i might vomit and want to cry, put on my pajamas and go home to share a taco dip with my cat. as sarah can attest, practicing aloof involves flailing of arms, my voice quite higher than usual and honking my horn by accident (literally, not in the wise words of dolly parton, “sometimes you gotta honk your own horn so people know that you’re coming.)

why am i like this? god only knows. well, actually everyone knows. i’ve been ditched before and have more than a few abandonment issues. i’ve been used for sex before. i don’t particularly want to go down either road again.

so why do i even bother? i do sometimes remember what it was like to share things with and be so happy and in love with someone i feel the need to sing about it. i wouldn’t want to even get out of bed because cuddling or thinking about the previous night seems like a much nicer alternative, a la the wise jewel and her morning song. i like to have someone to tell things to even if it’s that i don’t have lice or that a baby chick pooped on me today. luckily, i am very happy lately with *just* the fam, friends and my psuedogirlfriend. in fact, i’ve been happier than i have been in a long time..sometimes, there just seems to be one little void just waiting to be filled by someone who is not retarded and will find my crazyness to be endearing and hopefully not, stomp my heart into little bits.

dear internet, sometimes i love my life. i’ve just had another awesome weekend.

friday night, i went out with the girls from work. we went to a very expensive restaurant that i had never been to before. it was the kind of restaurant where waiters put napkins in my lap and pushed in my chair. of course, i was intimidated because i am like that. i was reminiscent of pretty woman as i got confused over the forks and nearly walked into the men’s washroom. oh well. i had caesar salad, and then a grilled tenderloin and mashed potato/carrot layered thing. for dessert, i had banana and caramal spring rolls with ice cream. the meal was quite expensive and we were there almost three hours. it also cost the equivalent of ten trips to mcdonalds. the company was awesome too. i am going to miss everyone this summer. i really hope i can come back next year. we talked about how the next time i have sex it will end up on announcements, my intoxicated alterego named stella and exchanged some “neat” stories like last time. i dressed up too since this wasn’t the sort of place i could wear sweats. sometimes it is nice to go out and get dressed up but it’s not something i would like to do all the time. i am more comfortable in pajamas, watching tv.

after dinner, i returned to pick up my parkerpoo and christie and mike were in town. we sat around and looked at each other. saturday, we also spent the day together, doing what we always do (shopping, eating, tv, and looking at each other.) i really miss them since they are in dryden. they are so good with the parker and to me so it’s unfortunate that i will die in thunder bay. parker actually said his version of his name which was incredibly exciting for all of us. he was so excited this weekend as he loves christie and uncle mike and of course, he was spoiled rotten.

sunday was a lazy sunday where i spent it hanging out with my little man and visiting my grams, taking walks and playing in the dirt. i make it a point to never work on my weekends with parker so i can spend most of my time with him. some weekends it actually works out.

hope everyone else had the awesomest weekend too!

it’s 3am.

this is what i am doing.

posting every dvd i own online is a priority.

who needs sleep?

pink hair
Originally uploaded by lauraandparker.

today i went to the hairstylist. i never have a concrete plan when i go there. “it is only hair, it will grow back” is my favourite catch phrase. i had a vague idea of getting most of the red out of my hair and covering the roots that have grown in past my ears (hot i know). i was also sporting an afro that was in dire need of being de-poofed.

the thing about hairstylists is that in hair dressing school, they teach you how to massage heads and manipulate you. i am a weak woman and after those sensual headrubs while washing my hair, i was open to anything.

“bright red…sure. why not?” moaned laura as she lost her mind.

i thought it was okay leaving the salon but when i got home and looked at myself in real lighting, wow is all i can say. it is like sydney bristow in season two of alias only i am no jennifer garner.

i’ve never been much for going to the same person to do my hair; i have always been one of those people who go anywhere whenever they feel like it. in fact, previously, i have cut my hair myself. i’ve went to this person the last few times so we’ve bonded. well, bonded enough for him to know a few things about me. i’ve talked about my recent dating adventures, my little man and work and told stories of my amazing adventures. it’s just like steel magnolias, except truvy is a balding, 30ish italian guy.

this time he expressed his words of wisdom as he ever so gently told me that perhaps i am going about things all wrong. from his point of view, he said that there is something wrong with dating anyone near or in thirties who spends the majority of their time on the computer. like he said, “if i was 30 and not married, i would definitely not be on msn all the time.” from a guy’s point of view, he said any guy who was on he computer all the time is either a) having some freaky online love affair/porn addiction or b) preying on some young girls.

i have never thought of it that way at all. maybe that explains why nothing ever works out as that is exactly what i have been courting.

a lightbulb also went off tonight when i was talking about how i don’t have that much time to do things that are “fun.” (most of my fun comes after work on alternate weekends aka the middle of the damned night.) he said, “well, at least, you can have people over once parker goes to sleep.” internet, in two and a half years, no one has come over after parker was in bed. the thought has never even crossed my mind. i don’t really have to go to bed at 730pm or spend countless hours on the internet or watching tv. there might be life after Little Bear. i feel kind of stupid that i have never once done this before. not to say, that i am going to have huge parties at the 515 but at the very least, i could have sarah over for cookies and bad movies.

as for the hair, let’s just say i am going back in tomorrow to get it fixed. i am calling in to work with a bad case of head lice.

i have said it before and i will say it again. i hate easter.

this weekend was busy. it was parker’s away weekend. i did not eat healthy. i did not sleep. i was a woman all over town.

…and i was absolutely trashed saturday night.

i don’t really need to go into the details. internet, you know i drink very rarely. rarely actually means twice a year because i cannot handle my alcohol. like the last drunken adventure, the reason behind this adventure was an unconventional coping stragegy to deal with my previously mentioned hatred for easter. i am aware that if i was to follow this road, the next step is stealing listerine from the 7eleven and have crazy drunken sloppy sex standing up next to the dumpster. no lectures please.

despite the “what happens…” golden rule, sarah, dave and jules have all mentioned the evening in their blogs. i think it is an important point to be made clear that i did not pay for a single drink that evening. i was also intoxicated before we made it to the bar because i had two glasses of wine at jules and should have stopped there. i “shared” a lot of information with people that night like my penchant for nair bikini and the name yudhister. man sausage is a reference to the time i went to the husky and ordered the working man’s breakfast, nothing sexual. to conclude, it was decided that i might win the social retard competition for life.

on that note, i will direct you to a comment from the husky girl. husky meaning the restaurant, not that this woman is at all…husky. she sums up the evening quite nicely.

no, i did not know her previously except for the fact i have seen her at the husky and old navy.

she got my blog address when i was hammered and talking about my website (dorks talk about their websites even when intoxicated) and then sarah wrote it on the back of the receipt because once again, we are huge dorks.

anyway, for once, i might just be speechless. internet, read the comments, go to the friends’ blogs and never ever mention this again. best comment ever, husky girl. thanks for coming out and let’s just say i fully know..it makes me feel better and less neurotic.

in other news, i spent this morning designing a webpage for my cat. how is it possible i am still single? because really, you don’t get much cooler than me.

finally, a real update but it’s in point form because i am lazy.

1. i am going to be in sarah’s movie this weekend. i am her special helper. the only thing i know about film production is what i’ve learned from dawson’s creek so it should be interesting. luckily, i am good at driving around and picking up tea.

2. recently, i have bought almost all of kevin costner’s movies on vhs. this makes me a cool chick. i don’t have waterworld. it is so weird. it’s like someone converted all of their kevin costner movies into cash but kept waterworld because it was sooo good.

3. i have also been listening to anne murray on my tape deck in my minivan. this also makes me cool.

4. i still hate easter.

5. mr wonderful is not so wonderful after all. i am quite smitten but he is not into me which is the ultimate suck. i am drowning my sorrows in chicken mcnuggets.

6. i bought season 6 of dawson’s creek on dvd. i now own the entire series. i am so pleased to finally have castaways.

7. i finally shaved my legs. i went months without doing it. it was some strange streak i had going. i was so impressed with the length of the hair, it pained me to actually shave it off.

8. i am looking for a summer job. i will do anything under the table. i am thinking about a career in berry picking.

9. i still haven’t done my income tax. i should probably get on that.

10. spring fever has hit me hard. i am losing my mind. i even forgot to pay my rent this month.

11. i’ve been watching a lot of porn lately. i watched one with a dead guy the other night and am trying to gain back my bang bus collection which was lost in the dreaded reformat 2005.

12. i really, really love my job. i will miss the kids this summer.

13. last weekend, i went to america. i bought crackers which taste like chicken. americans, you are so lucky to be able to get chicken in a biskit whenever you want.

it seems i am a very fickle person. obviously, i am back at wordpress. wordpress and i have a love/hate relationship. it’s hard and pisses me off, making me stomp my feet and screetch yet i love the categories and this layout and just the “prestige” of using it. it seems i have become a blogging snob..blogger? livejournal? phhf, losers. i use wordpress and have my own domain. take that.

i guess my biggest problem with wordpress were the security issues and the fact that all my password protected posts were accessible through google IN THEIR ENTIRETY without entering the password. the plugins i used to block certain posts from certain ips didn’t work all the time either. this was all pretty neat because lots of people were able to read about themselves and no one even bothered to tell me about it. oops. i asked for help about these issues in the wordpress forums to which people were cranky and treated me like i was a huge idiot (which, well…) anyway, it turns out it had to do with the rss. aside from that, the paragraphs getting a mind of their own and turning into line breaks also irritates me but obviously, not enough to leave forever.

i guess i don’t feel totally awful about this since nothing i wrote was particularly new or groundbreaking. anyway, if i wrote about you and you read it, sorry. just take pleasure in knowing that you win if i am upset enough to write about you. it’s because i cared. at least i’m not one of those people who say “i don’t care..blah blah blah. you’re not worth my time” as i blog about you. besides, let’s be honest. my social retardation is no secret. it’s all part of the charm, people.

to rectify this situation, i am simply not going to post stupid stuff on the internet as the fine wordpress geekers suggested. any bets on how long that will last? lately, the stuff i’ve been saying outloud is worse than what i am writing anyway.
anyway, it’s 230am and a school night. more laters..including attack of the drafts. (i’ve been blogging from work again.)

also, i will do the links tomorrow. if you want a link, let me know.

tonight, sarah and I went to the sarah harmer concert. I wasn’t a huge fan of her; i didn’t know her music that well but i bought the tickets for sarah for her birthday because contrary to popular opinion, i am an awesome friend. i had downloaded a ton of her stuff in the weeks before the concert and really enjoyed them but now, after the concert, i must say that i love her. download “i am aglow” right now. it is my absolute favourite. sarah is whiney and real at times (kinda like me) but she is more of nature girl than i am. i thought it was great that during her concert, she appeared socially inept (who wrote this song anyway?), also kinda like me.

when we first arrived, there were not many people at the concert. i was worried thinking, “poor sarah”, but then it filled up quickly as sarah and i took thirty pictures of ourselves, never getting the perfect one. it was quite noticeable that there were quite a few short haired, wide rimmed glasses women in the audience. sarah and i seemed to fit in quite well, given our pseudolesbian love affair. there was a girl beside me that was so pretty and smelled nice. i looked over at her during “the ring” and she was crying. of course i was crying too and in that split second of eye contact, i felt something, something i don’t know what to call but some connection i don’t usually feel with random strangers.

i am aware that being a lesbian is more than sarah harmer songs, shopping at value village and short haircuts, but sometimes it seems like i would just relate so much more to women than men. i may have watched kissing jessica stein one too many times and am talking crazy but really, sometimes i want so much more than i feel any man can give me and maybe dating a woman may be the way to go. i think jessica stein is the character in movies that i am most like. if you haven’t seen this movie, there is something wrong with you; it’s one of my favourites. i get that jessica and helen’s relationship blurred the lines between friendship love and the other love but it seems like sometimes i lack both. i think it might be spring talking, but i suddenly feel the need for some new relationship to open my eyes to a whole new world and change my life forever. everything else in my life is going awesome these days..it just seems like there is a void. in other news, by freak coincidence, cherry popsicle was also at the concert, happy and in love, while i was there with sarah. sometimes life seems to kick me in the ass as i was sitting there, thinking about this stuff and then look over to see someone else, living the life i had wanted for so long.

i’ve looked at the personal ads on plenty of losers and all the women seeking women ads show semi nude pictures of women enticing other women to have a threesome with their boyfriend. although i am not currently sexually active, it’s more out of choice than anything else. it just seems like all the men that i speak to want to sleep with me which is flattering but i have been down the “used for sex and then ditched” road before and never again. thanks.

i guess what i am trying to say is that i yearn for some sort of relationship with someone (male or female) that gets me.

i went to a sarah harmer concert and came home a lesbian. this is the best concert review ever. check out sarah’s entry for pictures and a more coherent review of the concert.

today marks the third anniversary of my entrance into the world of blogging. as the three of you who have been around from the beginning know, it’s been a neat three years. frick i started this blog before i even knew i was pregnant.

(of course, those who are new visitors think i have only been around for a week due to my recent template/server/procrastination issues.)

the thing about blogging that most people don’t get is that for the most part i do it for me. quite often, i like to go back and reread old entries in my archives, remembering the grand adventures, painful angst and embrassing stories. even the bad parts, like when i was in the midst of postpartum depression and a messy sepration, are nice to read about now to compare how much i’ve overcome and how i am one tough chick. occasionally, i get fan mail from someone saying how they relate to something i’ve said or that i’ve touched their lives in some other crazy dorky internet sort of way. hey, you never know, i could be the next anne frank.

or not.

it’s true that i do enjoy comments and i have met some awesome people through this blog like sarah et al, jules, will, mandy and the church of christ. i’ve even have had my share of trolls, leaving condescending little ditties. this was mildly entertaining because it’s a sign that readership is growing and people “care” enough to call me a stupid bitch, judge my lifestyle etc.

this year was a big year, leaving blogger and getting the domain. hopefully in the next year, i will get all the archives up as i think it’s important to look back to see where you are headed. i also plan to continue to be real. i think it’s neat how in person i am exactly the same as in my blog which…well, is neat.

thanks for reading,
hugs and kisses
laura.

sometimes i wonder why i even go to work. i am not motivated to do my job. perhaps i am being too hard on myself since really, there is not much to do on midnights. then again, tonight i spent most of my evening chatting on msn and blogging, only taking a break to watch sex, toys and chocolate and to find more cookies to eat. that’s not exactly in my job description.

i did have a few challenges tonight though. i was supposed to prepare a few sandwiches and all i could find was klik. since i don’t usually eat meat out of a can, i had no idea how to open it. i fiddled with that sucker for a good hour before going online to ask someone for help. there are no instructions on the can and i had no idea what to even do with that thinger on the bottom. looking back, i now realize that i may, in fact, be retarded because it wasn’t all that hard once i figured out what to do. i had tried a can opener but it wouldn’t work as it was a shitty one to begin with. at one point, i had the key and was just banging it into the hole and trying to turn it. how i thought that would work is beyond me. a woman who i can’t particularly stand was coming in to relieve me and i had this fear that i would have to tell her how i am 26 years old and cannot open a can of meat. luckily, it all worked out after receiving step by step instructions over the internet.

both my coworkers were late relieving me as they forgot about the time change. i have no patience for people like that. i am quite possibly both the least organized and most clueless about what’s happening persons of the world and i still catch that it’s clock weekend. spring ahead, retards.

on the way home, i saw two deer on oliver by the cemetary. since this is totally in town, i thought i was halluninating like adam sandler in that stupid movie where he sees penquins, but no, they were deer. very weird. i hope they were okay.

k, going to bed. nighters.